Life is pretty much a giant darkened maze with nothing but sharp edges. The only way not to get constantly torn apart by it is to bring some light to each and every situation. And when I say light, I mean alcohol. Good old fluffy, fuzzy, tasty alcohol.
Pretending that it is a good idea to try to make it through most of the day sober has been the cause of all of the horror and tragedy in the world. If everyone was half shnockered by lunch each day we would be having global karaoke contests instead of wars. Not necessarily because alcohol makes you peaceful, but you are less likely to start some major shit when you are certain you are just going to pass out at some point in the near future.
Yet while you want to be happy (buzzed), you don’t necessarily wanna have to give up the remaining vestiges of style, class and dignity you have managed to drag this far along with you. While you could just as easily start the day with a tallboy of Steele Reserves or a few blasts of cheap vodka with a Kahluha chaser, why not prove to yourself and the world how much self-worth you have by dulling the daily existential dread with wine?
Ah, wine, the social lubricant with such a reputation for classiness that even the cheap stuff makes you look and feel like an important senator in a fancy bathhouse. You don’t wanna feel like a drunk first thing in the day, and so drinking wine will help you to feel like a VIP living life at the crest of a wave travelling down the fast lane to success.
At the same time, you are going to need to soak some of that ethanol up so the crossing guard in front of your kid’s school doesn’t give you those nasty looks when you hop over the curb right after dropping your precious load off. There is no food like breakfast cereals to do just that. They are custom made to absorb liquids (in a bowl or in your stomach) and come cheaply in a wide variety of flavors that pair perfectly with some of the post popular styles of wine. Here are some suggestions to get you started.
Note: Yes, I am suggesting that you pour the wine right over the cereal. But if you are still clinging to some gaudy out-dated pretense of Victorian table manners, you can pour it in a glass and drink it alongside your breakfast crunchies.
Cabernet-Sauvignon: Wikipedia says that “Despite its prominence in the industry, the grape is a relatively new variety, the product of a chance crossing between Cabernet Franc and Sauvignon blanc during the 17th century in southwestern France.” This is not at all unlike the chance crossing of toasted oat bits with colorful marshmallow shapes that characterizes Lucky Charms, which serves as a perfect pairing with one of the world most enduringly popular wines. Cabernet-Sauvignon is a very aggressive wine with lots of depth and plenty of tannin. It can easily walk all over foods and dominate the palate. So while the oat bits are soaking up the ethanol, the marshmallow pieces provide a stark counterbalance to the wine. This pairing makes a great start for people just getting used to drinking before their life starts hurting for the day. It also makes a solid staple for the stick-to-it type who believe breakfast should a simple old-fashioned affair without the need for constant reinvention.
Chardonnay: Chardonnay is a lady. She is a sensual mysterious lady who is as good in bed as she is in breakfast. Yet her sensuality is in her subtlety and even this coy simplicity is a marvel of complexity. A woman like Chardonnay was born to be Queen, which is why she pairs perfectly with King Vitamin. Together they are First Meal Royalty. King Vitamin is a sensible cereal without unnecessary amounts of sugar. If there were a sweetened cereal that could be described as ‘dry’ it would be the King, which is also the mark of a good Chardonnay. And while it may seem like overkill to pair two dry items together, the result is so drenching that after half a lifetime of having them for breakfast you will begin to develop water on the brain. Which is why you want to keep this pairing for weekends and special occasion. God only knows you don’t wanna be puking royalty into a toilet in the employee bathroom before lunch. Then you wouldn’t be up to your Burger King and Bourbon!
Merlot: The Everyman of red wines, Merlot is cheap, plentiful and can be found just about anywhere. So long as you pass out at night in the developed world, no matter where you awaken there will be a bottle nearby. And if ease of acquisition is a primary concern to you, you are probably a no-frills and no-nonsense type of drunk who couldn’t care less for a cereal with bells and whistles of any type. So with its high alcohol content, velvety tannins and fruity overtones, Merlot pairs perfectly with the staple of American breakfast nooks, Corn Flakes. Sure, you don’t actually have to capitalize Corn Flakes, but you also don’t have to go out into the cruel and heartless world where the only people that care about you are your mother and your bartender. But since you are going to do that anyway, you might as well do it with a high BAC obtained as effortlessly and efficiently as possible. You don’t need to overthink your breakfast to enjoy it. And if you are still a little drunk from last nights Jagermeister Meatloaf, you probably aren’t going to do either anyway. So Merlot and Corn Flakes are just the answer you keep forgetting you meant to look for.
Runner Up: Boxed Pink Zinfadel and Fruity Pebbles
So there you have it. The three most popular wines paired perfectly with three great breakfast cereals. Before you go out and face the harsh reality of existence in full light, start your day by dulling your senses like winners do.
Let me know what you think of these pairings in the comments, or share your own perfect wine/cereal combos!