Researchers Resoundingly Refute Claim That The Groove Is In The Heart

groove is in the heart

Doctor Lady Miss Keer of the Deee-Lite Institute shocked the world over two decades ago with her maverick claim that the groove is in the heart. But recently teams working at the University of Ohiowa and the Branch Floridians in Miami have called the scientific diva’s claim into question with new findings.

The two groups co-published a peer-reviewed paper recently entitled Groove Displacement Patterns Suggest Non-Cardio Location. In it they compile data taken from years of research and numerous studies that illustrate a cranial genesis of The Groove.

Dr. Funkdumper of the Branch Floridians states, “All we know so far is that The Groove is all in the head. Always has been, always will be. This heart business has slowed down Groove Research for almost thirty years. We are excited to be opening new doors in the field, and expect major Groove advances to follow in the coming years.”

Diggy Bassroll, a research assistant at the University of Ohiowa told us, “We definitely know The Groove is not in the heart, but somewhere in the head. What we do not know is exactly where in the head The Groove emanates from. However many of us strongly suspect that it is excreted from the pineal gland.”

The news of the discovery paralleled the announcement that gravitational waves had been detected, and so news of The Groove was overlooked in the media, who were busy publishing initial observations that had not yet been replicated or peer-reviewed. Funkdumper lamented, “What we have here is genuine science, validated by the agreed upon forms of the scientific method. It breaks my heart that we are getting the media equivalent of sloppy seconds and being out shined by those premature reports, but now at least I know I won’t lose The Groove with it.”

When TeenTV caught up with Doctor Lady Miss Kier and asked her about the new claims she responded with a dance number that, while explaining absolutely nothing, did much to assure her followers that The Groove was indeed still in the heart. A fan told TeenTV that, “The Groove is obviously in the heart and not in the brain. Those claims are insane, insane in the membrane.”

Q-Tip, who performed the rap section of the song, says that he never fully even believed in The Groove, and so could care less about where it was or was not. “This is some stupid ass shit. Don’t ever call me again,” said the Agroovenostic collaborator.

When asked what he thought of the new studies, Supa DJ Dmitri shrugged it off with this statement- “It does not matter where The Groove is or where it comes from. It does not even matter if you believe in The Groove. So long as I get monthly royalties from that song The Groove is real.”

Towa Tei was unpronounceable for comment.

Studies Show Children of Scientists More Likely To Be Passive Aggressive

kidsscience

A new study from the University of Ohiowa seems to indicate that children who were raised in a household with at least one parent working in the field of science are more likely to use passive aggressive methods when interacting with other children. The study tested eight hundred students, almost a third of which lived in scientific homes.

Hundreds of hours of interactions between the children were monitored, recorded and analyzed to see if any patterns would emerge. Kids raised in religious homes, which made up about half of the study were found to be less generous than the children of atheists. Although the study did not require the children to be labeled according to their religious background, it became quite clear when the atheist kids immediately marched around and proudly proclaimed their lack of belief in the divine.

At the same time the children of scientists, who fell mostly within the atheist camp, scored far higher than average in several categories, including: condescension, pretension, sarcasm, apathetic dismissiveness, self-righteousness and passive aggressiveness.

In one test the children were asked to draw pictures, later ranking one another’s artwork. Rather than just assign the artwork of their peers a rank or numeric value, the children were asked to write a short commentary on the pieces they reviewed. While the non-scientist children tended to comment specifically on what they did or did not like about the drawings, the scientist children often used roundabout ways to make smarmy comments about the artwork.

“Not bad for someone whose parents believe in mean sky men.”

“Obviously the work of someone who still believes in Santa, The Tooth Fairy and Jesus.”

“This artwork proves that baptists are unable to understand the color wheel.”

Howard Phillips, one of the lead researchers said that it became impossible to tell if the non-secular kids were less generous because of how superior and patronizing the scientist and atheist kids were, or if the latter two kinds of children acted that way in response to the lack of generosity in the religious children.

“The only thing that I was able to ascertain from this research is that children are pretty much total douchebags, and the only real differences seem to be what kind of douchebaggery they emulate from their douchebag parents beliefs and behaviors.” said Phillips.

As a result of these studies the parents of children everywhere have taken the opportunity to either gloat about the results or to use them to bolster their perceived feelings of societal victimhood. An analysis of social media responses to the research indicate that while the scientistic and nihilism inclined adults are almost certain to respond with ‘I knew it!’ or ‘I told you so!’, religious responses tended to gravitate towards vague statements about a mythical war that was being waged on religious peoples.

Head researcher Gunnar Wilson, who himself identifies as a Scientific Pandeist, says the study proves that the eventual heat death of the universe is just too damn far away.

“I would just kill myself, but I am afraid that if there is an eternal afterlife, then i’d just be stuck in it with all these idiots.”

The conclusion of the study recommends that to avoid becoming a total douchebag, or raising more of them, families should continue to evolve their belief systems, never settling on a final set of rigid ideologies that make them unbearable to pretty much everyone else.

“Beliefs are like underwear. They are a good way of securing your junk, but if you don’t change them regularly the only thing holding the holes in them together will be the awful stench.”