History In The Making – Resume Troll

resume blue

Summary

It is my goal in life to become a household name. I shall stop at nothing less than creating a legacy of my life that will go down in history alongside Socrates, Jesus Christ and Machiavelli. The future itself will seem in retrospect like an invention of mine. My immediate objective is to gain a foothold from which I might lift myself to higher heights and cast off into the wind of my glorious destiny. Wouldn’t you like to be in that historical footnote? The launch pad of the crucial crux of future civilization, this is what I offer you. Hiring me is a small price to pay.

Career Highlights

During 9/11 I was in NewYork doing a benefit for amputee orphans. I was in adjacent building when the towers fell and as the power went out I was stuck in an elevator with a woman who was on her way to give birth. I ended up delivering her child and using CPR to keep it alive until we were rescued, as the baby was born with a heart defect that I luckily recognized immedietaly. Today that child is a ten year old harpsicord prodigy who mastered the instrument after I gave her one lesson. I have invented several things and have recieved many patents. The one that I am most proud of is a device that adapts negative atmospheric energy into pure love and laughter. Also, a random time machine.

Experience

Life
Planet Earth
December 1976 – Present (37 years 7 months) • United States of Awesomerica
Winning Full Time
I do not view any particular stages or circumstances to be seperate from the sum of my existence. Reality is a synergistic whole which I have engaged vigoriously at all times, so the lines between work and play, jobs and hobbies, etc. have been too blurred for me to accurately relate my acheivements within such a narrow framework. Everything I have tried, I have mastered, and everything I have mastered has never been debated.

Education

Spaceship Earth, Universal Terran Laboratories
Doctorate
Universe
1976
I have mastered the pedagoguery of ontology, aced the existential exams and discovered the very key to our existence. In light of that mere dogmatic credentials seem trivial and pithy. Why exchange time and money for a paperwork life crutch when you can deal directly with the answers to the cosmos?

Certifications

Awesome
The Awesomeness and Win Institute L.L.C.
December 1976
Awesome is the highest honor available. Lifetime achievement award for winning.

Professional Memberships/Awards

  • Society of Discord POEE

Interests

  • Pure Rock Fury
  • Humorgasms
  • Bringing The Pain Then Making Sure It Gets Home Safely Afterwards.

Skills

  • Inventiveness (Expert)
  • Megacharm (Expert)
  • Face Gardening (Expert)
  • Just Knowing What Is Right or Wrong (Expert)
  • Rhyme Management (Expert)

Ready Or Not, Here I Am

Summary

The future is full of technological threats we cannot even imagine. But how far away is that future and what are we doing to prepare ourselves for it? For most people the answer is, ‘Nothing.’ This is where I come in. I have trained extensively in the skills that will be necessary to eradicate rogue technologies. What does that make me? Your insurance policy against the inevitable, unless you wish to be squashed beneath the metal soles of souless machine monsters, you are gonna need a guy like me by your side eventually.

Career Highlights

Experience

Janitor
Spunkys Arcade and Adult Entertainment Emporium
August 1997 – Present (16 years 11 months) • Nopupu, Iowa
I specialize in sanitation protocol, biohazardous waste management, traction inspection, UV light operator, security and special ops.

Education

Beardgarten Institute of Singularity Defense Strategies
Doctorate
Advanced Mek Combat and Survival
2001
Advanced studies in combat strategies, skills and crisis management. Over 5,000 hours of coursework. Training indefinite.

Certifications

Professor Emeritus Online Courses: Butlerian Jihad, Asimov and Robotics, THX1138
Center For The Study of Science Fiction
February 2008
Oversee curriculum and coursework for three academic courses in speculative fiction which I also act as Professor Emeritus over online classes.
Iron Palms Training Method
American Martial Arts Certified Professionals
November 2001
Certified martial arts expert and instructor. Master in the deadly art of Iron Palms as well as a black belt nearly seven other martial arts.

Professional Memberships/Awards

Interests

Skills

  • Hand to hand combat effective also against non human and inorganic targets. (Expert)
  • Weaponry use, construction and management. (Expert)
  • Programming, counterprogramming and digital espionage. (Expert)
  • Survival: rural and urban. Including self sufficiency and resource management. (Expert)
  • Techsidermy. (Expert)

Professional Advanced Mimicry Solutions

Summary

I am a highly driven portrayal professional with over thirteen years experience enacting simulations and renditions of ordinary human activity, as well as advanced impersonations. I have an expansive knowledge and interest in parroting pretense and apery assumptions and desire advancement within the field of feigning.

Career Highlights

For my graduate thesis I did a piece entitled ‘Think Outside of the Box’ in which I mimicked being trapped inside of a sphere while free falling from thirty thousand feet.

My first professional feat of imitation came shortly thereafter when the UN Council on Indigenous Affairs needed to communicate with an uncontacted tribe of islanders whose island was about to go volcanic. Officials were unable to communicate verbally with the islanders and so called me in to use my advanced aping skills to communicate to the islanders the danger they faced. Thanks to my efforts about sixty eight percent of the islanders were convinced to try relocation to a similar nearby island where they were able to survive mother natures explosive fury.

Experience

Vice President of Depictions
Imitation Solutions Unlimited
Operations Manager
Direct Dramatizations Intl.
February 2006 – April 2009 (3 years 2 months) • 52240, Iowa City, Iowa
Lead Histrionics
Lewis Group Mockery Firm
August 1999 – January 2006 (6 years 5 months) • 52240, Iowa City, Iowa

Education

Harverd School of Mimickey
Professional
Mimicry Solutions in Real World Problems, Mime Calculus, or, How to Define the Box You Are Trapped In Mathematically, Silent Impersonation Nuance
1995 – 2000

Certifications

Bonafide Portrayal Professional and Enactment Expert
International Association of Charade Professionals
October 2003

Professional Memberships/Awards

  • Nobel Prize in Mimicry, candidate 2012

Interests

  • Silent conversations.
  • Playing charades.
  • The mirror.

Skills

  • Stillness (Expert)
  • Movement (Expert)
  • Silence (Expert)

Meta Resume

Summary

*Leading expert in recursive systems and self referencing technologies with experience in and of itself.

*Expansive background in circular reasoning, feedback transference and auto-looping.
*Seeking a new challenge in which to use my unique set of meta skills in a singularly diverse environment.

Career Highlights

Using logical feedback loops and meta-referent paradoxes I was able to destroy an alternate universe that had become a danger to this universe, where I escaped just before collapsing that reality by causing it to swallow its ontological tale.

Experience

Chief Recursion Engineer
Existential Amusement Park
December 2012 – January 2014 (1 years 1 months)
*Reality #57G700V24.a23
It while was working at this DeCartean amusement park that I learned of a plan to open an attraction which would send a roller coaster ripping through the fabric of the universe I am currently in, eventually destroying it. So I fixed it.
Sauce Solipsism
McBurger Boy
May 2007 – December 2012 (5 years 7 months)
*Des Moines, Nebraska
Chief Executive Sitting Bull
Divide By Zero Concepts
October 1987 – April 2007 (19 years 6 months) • Seriously, Uneverbeenthere

Education

Auto-Pedagogue University
Doctorate
Graduated with a degree in Graduating With A Degree, Heisenberg Poets Society, Attendance record for attending more classes than were held in eight consecutive trimesters.
1976 – 2013

Certifications

Certification Certifier
Circuitous Reassurances Unlimited
May 1992

Professional Memberships/Awards

  • Fraternal Order of Joshua Scott Hotchkin
  • Meta Workers Union local 1001
  • Most Recursive Sauce, 2011
  • Academy Award for Greatest Self Reference in a screenplay.

Interests

  • Other peoples interests.
  • Questioning why things are interesting.
  • Pursuing other interests.
  • Being interesting.
  • Sharing my interests with people who are not really interested in them.

Skills

  • Manipulating complex data sets with information contained within the data sets themselves.(Expert)
  • Efficient in creation of paradoxes sufficient to collapse the gravitational functions of a universe(Intermediate)
  • Picture in picture in picture in picture in picture, ad infinitum. (Expert)

Languages

  • English (Fluent)
  • Other (Fluent)

References

Joshua Scott Hotchkin
Meta-Resume-ist. , Meta-Resumes Outernational