New Surveillance Measures to Monitor and Restrict Bathroom Use By Deviants

restrict bathroom use

Proposed security measures that aim to prevent improper public bathroom use by abusers are creating a stir. The concern by many that our public bathrooms are being shared with people whose deviance, indecency and poor character has led lawmakers to finally address the leniency that has allegedly been disastrous to our standards and way of life. The senate is now considering a bill which would ban people who leave their urine, feces, vomit and other excreta on (instead of in and down) toilets and other bathroom surfaces from using those public facilities.

Garrett Nordberg from Citizens for Sanitation spoke favorably about the proposed legislation:

“I think it is about time that somebody did something about this. It is a tragedy that in this day in age there are still adults whose mental instability and neurosis causes them to defile public bathrooms in such juvenile ways. The risk that their behavior provides to public health and our standard of living is beyond reproach and must be responded to as firmly as possible.”

It is guessed that about 1/3 of Americans suffer from Infantile Bowel Syndrome. These sufferers were subject to a deficiency of proper parenting during the toddling stage and potty training and as a result just unleash their bladders and bowels with no proper consideration of others or their environment, as do infants.

Vallisa Reed of the IBS Advocacy Center calls the legislation draconian and heartless.

“We would be essentially punishing people for conditions that they did not choose. They are victims of their upbringing and environment. They do not have a choice to use bathrooms like you or I, their compulsions and psychological make-up mean that not sullying bathrooms is beyond their capacity to choose.”

Bud Alanson of the Association of Bingo Callers also had some strong opinions about the pending legislation.

“I could give a crap less if you are a cross-dressing werewolf that has sex with dead cats, you should be able to use any public tax-funded bathroom you like so long as you can be a responsible human being and keep from smearing your feces everywhere or pissing on the seat.”

The issue has become a hot button topic at a time when conservatives bigots are decrying the ‘wrongful’ use of bathrooms by people who may not agree with the gender they were assigned. Similar legislation meant to enforce biological obedience to bathroom use is based on fears that if people are allowed to use the restroom they are most comfortable in, pedophile orgies and dick shaming could become rampant.

Elbur Wutzisnutz is one of the people that harbors these concerns.

“A bathroom is just like a NASCAR race, ya see. If everyone doesn’t stay in their assigned lanes before that green flag drops, ya gonna have chaos on the track!”

When asked what the green flag dropping equivalent of restroom use was Elbur responded that I should shut my faggot-loving face before he pisses in it.

Mandy Dawson, a custodian at a local county building that houses several public offices, gave me her two cents.

“These same people that want to set up genital checkpoints at bathroom doors are the same ones who invariably shit and piss all over everything. These uptight, anal-retentive neurotics are so focused on their own germophobia and other compulsive and repressed ideologies that they never consider those who have to use the bathrooms after them or clean them up. They just fire away wherever they please and leave the consequences of their mental issues for other people to deal with, without any guilt, remorse or shame. In fact, I once confronted a police officer who had clearly shit on the seat while pulling a paranoid hovering maneuver moments after I cleaned the stall. Not only was he unapologetic, but seemed to think he was superior to others for refusing to endure the same risks that anybody using public facilities takes. While increasing those risks.”

The details of the monitoring systems being proposed have yet to be released, nor have any details of how officials plan to enforce penalties for infractions yet surfaced. Stay tuned to AdvancedApe.com for updates on this totally true story and many more.

 

Idiocracy Assimilated: The Borg Collective Gets An Upgrayedd

Idiocracy Assimilated

In 2063 Zephram Cochrane was to have invented the warp drive that would free humanity not only from its cosmic captivity, but from its own petty weaknesses and excesses, by virtue of giving it something better to do. However some Vulcans who were observing Sputnik and ended up stranded on Earth in 1957 dramatically changed the timeline. Unbeknownst to them a human scientist found their ‘hidden’ ship and was able to get enough information about it to pioneer microprocessors nearly fifty years before it would have happened on the earlier timeline.

As a result the internet was unleashed on humanity before it had culturally matured enough to to fully appreciate it’s tremendous power. Human beings began to rapidly adapt according to properties of this new cybernetic environment. Methods of giving and getting approval in that new environment skewed peoples tastes, but even worse, had massive effects on their psychological well being and maturity. The replacing of complex written language with a wildly popular form of reductionist images called ‘memes’ quickly eroded human rhetoric and critical thinking skills. As the new viral images made people increasingly less intelligent, the new psychological kinks also made them believe that their devolving intellects were in fact superior. Through these two factors combined with many other internet culture issues, like passive aggressiveness and constant barely masked insinuations, humanity began dumbing down at an exponential rate.

When a Borg ship from the future visited Earth on its new timeline in 2063, they did not immediately recognize that humanity had devolved, and began the process of assimilation by unleashing nanoprobes into the planets oceans, and thus into the entire worlds water supply. Having not realized the Vulcan visit had changed the timeline so radically, the Borg showed up and assimilated a planet full of idiots.

Having added the technological and biological distinctiveness of the Idiocracy to their own, over time the Collective itself began to become infected by the same viral stupidity that had conquered humanity via the internet. By the end of the 21st century, the Borg had become a hive of dumbasses. Although their collective nature and cybernetic implants kept them from becoming as hopeless and useless as the humans had been when assimilated, the Borg took a turn that would prevent them from realizing perfection, while allowing them to continue to assimilate ever more species into their galactic idiocracy.


The man once known on Earth as Dr. Lexus was now in a giant sphere somewhere in the alpha quadrant looking for new species to assimilate. He was the seventh member added to the interplanetary adjunct of Unimatrix Dicks, though his scroes just called him Seven of Dicks. But usually pretty much every drone in the Borg collective, just shortened it Septdick.

Septdick was scrubbing plasma conduits in Borg Sphere #Pota2-11 when he must have spaced out for a minute. Gone were both his own thoughts and those of the collective. When he came out of his haze he found that he was attempting to assimilate his own leg. At first he began to panic at his predicament. But when he heard the collective, audible again within his own mind, laughing at his zoned-out blunder, he allowed himself to laugh along with them as he retracted his nanoprobe tubules from himself. He looked over at the drone closest to him and said, “I like assimilation.”

The drone, who was known to the Borg as Fart of Twelve and was once a member of species #879 dead-panned back, “I like assimilation, too.”

The two drones did a hopping high-five before a single voice boomed through the mind of the entire collective. It was the Borg queen, Beef Supreme, announcing that they were just about to assimilate a new species. The minds of the hive went silent as Beef Supreme spoke through a drone into a loudspeaker in a far away sphere hovering over a world full of new recruits.

“We are the Borg. Lower your shields and surrender your planet. We will add your biologicalal and technical dickstinkyness to our own. Your cult chore will adapt to service us. Resist us is futile.”

Septdick went back to work on the plasma conduits and watched the assimilation, through the eyes of the drones doing it, in his mind. He felt a slight euphoria as the rush of new individual consciousnesses were added to his own. He spoke again to the nearby drone, “The corrective is pretty badass.”

It answered back, “Yeah, those planet guys are totally butthurt fags.”

Rather than answering back, Seven of Dicks shot Twelve of Farts an image of a famous actor from Earth history making a face of surprised uncertainty that was overlaid with some text about some human disease and sexual practices. Much of the Borg Collective now used such memetic symbols to make associations between phenomena and response. Since assimilating the Idiocracy and becoming infected with its intellectual viruses, the Borg increasingly used memes to communicate to one another. They were simple yet effective tools for providing cohesion of the dumbed-down group mind. If information is reduced to only its implicit message, it is easy to understand and agree upon. The sort of explicit-rich and implicit-blind information sharing that had helped destroy the human beings intelligence just before the Borg showed back up to assimilate them also worked as a great tool for keeping the Borg strong despite the cerebral cancer it was now infected with.

After finishing up the warp coil maintenance, Septdick went to check out the aeroponics bay to see if any of the organic matter he had been attempting to grow was sprouting yet. He hoped to be able to devise a process for assimilating lower life forms, like plants, algae and fungus, so the collective could benefit from their knowledge and experience. But so far nothing has stirred from the seeds he had placed in the dirt. It just didn’t make sense. The soil was nutrient rich and he had all but flooded it with Borgade, which had nanoprobes. And nanoprobes are what organic life needs. Something should have been popping up by now. He took some sensor data and went off to find an open regeneration alcove to process it while his own nanoprobe rich organic matter was recharged through the conduits of technology that supplemented his body.

While he was regenerating he dreamt of the place where only some drones ever visited in their down-cycle. There his scroes and hoes were all free of the collective and were able to interact with one another as the individuals they were before they were assimilated. Unfortunately, most of the other species avoided the human drones who were somehow able to visit there, and seemed to look down on them as inferior. Meanwhile, the humans there thought the other species shit was retarded and that they tended to talk like fags. Yet the humans did not judge them as harshly because, in their view, there were plenty of tards out there living dank lives, so who were they to play Judge Judy and executioner?

Seven of Dicks felt a jostle and was suddenly awake and looking into the face of a rather confused drone who must have bumped into him and interrupted his regeneration cycle. Septdick said, “Go away, ratin’!” and then stepped back into the alcove and that other place.

When he returned the formerly human Borgs had gathered together for a meeting. After everyone was done greeting each other by punching them in the groins, one of the more intelligent particular individuals began giving an impassioned speech.

“I know shit’s fucked up. Everyone’s shit is real emotional right now. But we got this guy, Don’t Know, who is gonna help us figure our shit out.” The speaker then fired a phase pistol, which was set to incinerate, into the ceiling of the building they had gathered. Just before the ceiling collapsed on the dreaming drones, Septdick and the others were pulled from their slumber by an urgent message from Beef Supreme.

“We are experimenting technological difficulties. Please stand by and prepared to be bored.” Suddenly the collective mind was in absolute disorder. Klaxons blared all over the ship as he tapped into the ships sensors to see if he could figure out what was going on. He looked around and it appeared all of the other Borg drones surrounding him were doing the same. A view outside the ship showed another sphere that had somehow triggered its own self-destruct sequence. As it blew up, he and the others could not help but jump around pumping their fists and cheering at the scene of carnage. Even though it was one of their spheres, the scene was pretty badass. Beef Supreme continued, “Please remain chill while we adapt for a solution.”

Somewhere in that endless collection of individual minds a single voice rose up, “I got a solution, yer a dick!” That got the collective going and the meme-sharing threatened to break the internets that connected them.

Beef Supreme boomed over the cacophony, “You guys are just butthurt, but I can super-size with your concerns. Shit’s real fucked up right now. I think we accidentally ass-stimulated a viral us. I am trying recaliber rate the nanoprobes to fix the misfunctions. As soon as I figure it out I will send you all the instructions to fix your nanprobes. Nanoprobes got what Borgs need. Peace out, bitches.”

The drone closest to him asked aloud, “What was that ho saying about banana pros?”

The Borg queen came back, “I think I have found the problem. We seem to have been in-fucked-ed by the genes of a species forgery known as humans. I am preparing to upload the solutions to your data breaks.”

“What did she say about jeans? What does she think we are, some kind of pants goblins?” the nearby drone asked.

The collective became an overwhelming rush of confusion and panic. Seven of Dicks was taking in so much data that he was no longer aware of himself or his environment. The collective was too noisy and he couldn’t even meme with his scroes. When he came back to his own mind, he was trying to assimilate the drone he had been talking to before.

“Sorry, Butt of Fucks, I don’t know why I did that.” he paused. “I like assimilation.”

The confused drone, Butt of Fucks, looked back at him and smiled. “I like assimilation, too.”

In the middle of a leaping double high five, augmented by mutual heel clicks, the voice of Beef Supreme spoke again.

“I have completely the adoptations required to make the upgrayedds necessary to destroy the viral lice. That is upgrayedd with two ‘d’s for double download. As in a double download of pimpin’.”

A moment after he received the re-assimilation programming, he looked around him. Drones were dressed in neon print t-shirts with strange primitive designs that said ‘Assimilation’ on them. The ones who were formerly female were wearing clothes that nearly revealed the areas of the body that once contained genitals, before they had been converted into asexual copies of their former selves. The ship looked like a targ pit and on monitors all around there was a show playing in which drones were all taking cheap stun gun shots at a single drones implants, while everyone else looked on in hysterical rapture. Seven of Dicks could hear the collective in his mind asking the same questions. What are we? What happened to us? What do we do now? Instead of trying to answer them, or get the answer, he made his way to the nearest empty alcove and prepared himself for the next regeneration.

Company To Introduce Police Brutality Themed Liquor ‘Slagermeister’

slagermeisterape

I wrote the following satirical piece that appeared last week at CopBlock.org. Today we were contacted by a representative from Jagermeister requesting we remove the article and making threats of legal actions. Rather than removing the article, I will be posting it at the other websites I contribute to or maintain. I will be writing more about our interactions with the folks at Jagermeister in future CopBlock.org posts.


The German company famous for its blackout-inducing liqueur Jagermeister will be unveiling a new product just in time for New Year celebrations. Earlier today the company released the following statement concerning its upcoming product.

2015 has been the year when police brutality broke into the public consciousness after years of apathy, especially in our largest market, the United States, where over 1,100 people have already been killed by police this year. To help shed further light on the issue we will be releasing a new beverage on Christmas Eve referencing one of the most egregious police-killings of the year, that of Walter Scott by Officer Michael Slager. The new drink, Slagermeister, is a blend of 42 spices and the tears of children orphaned by law enforcers in 2015.

The companies flagship product translates into ‘master hunter’. Slagermeister, a clear white liquor that doesn’t mix well with darker beverages, translates into ‘master butcher’, as ‘Slager’ is the Dutch surname for butchers. Early testers have said that while the drink is delicious, it tends to leave a bad taste in your mouth for a very long time. Next week the company will begin releasing ads for the new beverage using the slogan:

Slagermeister, the only beverage that you can get wasted while running away from it.

Following the announcement liquor distributors were flooded with phone calls from eager retailers and bars hoping to feature the product as part of their New Years sales and celebrations. Already a number of bartenders have been busy concocting potential recipes featuring the new beverage. A few of them were found throughout Twitter and social media.

  • SlagerBomb– Half Slagermeister, Half Red Bull, poured in a chilled glass and thrown at the back of the head.
  • Feared for My Life– Straight Slagermeister, no chaser, because who needs to wait for backup?
  • Slagerita– A standard margarita with Slagermeister, but instead of salting the rim of the glass, you pour the salt in the wounds of the victims family.
  • Slager Sour– 1 part Slagermeister, 1 part sour mix over ice and fill glass with the spoiled hopes and dreams of Americas lower classes.

Neither the families of Slager or Scott have yet publicly commented on the product.

Former Ohio officer Ray Tensing is apparently negotiating with another spirits company of note on a beverage to be named Courvosi-Ray.

New Study Proves That Everyone Is Actually A Vegan

vegan

The University of Ohiowa, working on a research grant from the Pepsi Marketing Science Division, has made a startling discovery regarding the true nature of human appetites. After completing their studies they have concluded that all humans are actually vegan, whether they express or repress their true dietary nature or not.

The study was being conducted to help marketers measure the effect of certain visual stimuli in order to maximize advertising reach and potential. They tested visual response phenomena in a number of diverse categories with over two thousand participants. The participants were chosen from a variety of demographic sectors locally available, including different ages, races, socio-economic status and other factors. The tests included numerous exercises in which different physical responses to a wide variety of images were recorded.

One interesting outcome was a statistical anomaly indicating the universality of vegan dietary preferences. In salivation response tests, subjects responded favorably in almost all cases when shown pictures of flowers, vegetation and other plants. However, it was equally true that images of dead animals failed to provoke a significant salivatory response in nearly all participants.

“Despite the stated preferences and history of an omnivorous diet in individuals tested, the results of these studies undoubtedly prove that each and every human is evolutionary and psychologically more suited for a vegan diet and lifestyle,” says Saul Craigan, senior research leader at U of Ohiowa.

“Not quite what we expected, but we are pleased with the results,” said Pepsi Marketing Science Division spokesman Hal Bix. “We will use this knowledge to tailor our advertisements to our audiences most primal nature. Expect to see more bananas and succotash in our commercials in the next several months.”

The Ohiowa Beef Council was not so excited about the news, calling the research “blatant pseudoscience with erratic conclusions drawn from jumbled nonsensical data.”

Moonkiss Yewell, a second year undergrad and secretary of the U of Ohiowa chapter of Meat Is Terrorism, was ecstatic about the results. “This proves what I have already known for a very long time. Nobody wants to eat meat. It is a maligned behavior conditioned in the population by the capitalist patriarchy. Veganism is beautiful and so it is no surprise to me that as animals, we would embrace the beauty of other animals by not eating them.”

Meanwhile we have been unable to reach Jimmy Buffet to ascertain if he will change the iconic lyrics of his song to ‘Black Bean Burger In Paradise’.