Awesome Campaign Reminds Boys They Are Free To Wear Pink

The Link- Boys Free To Wear Pink

The Rant- Just this very morning I sat in a twenty minute trance, wondering- is it okay if I wear my rabbit fur codpiece to work today? Unfortunately, after checking the internet, there were no campaigns reassuring that my personal choices were permissible. Result? No codpiece for this guy today.

Now that I think about it, how many things do I do throughout the day which have not been validated by awareness campaigns? Am I a fucking maniac, or what? How would I know what things are socially acceptable if a group of touchy-feely validation cheerleaders did not specifically communicate to me what is okay?

I don’t like people telling me what I can and can not do. And when you tell me what I can do, you are merely implying that there is a perceived wrongness about it. You are sending a contextual message that the permitted behavior has some inherent wrongness about it, which requires special permission.

This is not about empowering boys to be themselves. This is about encouraging them not to be. When you give a child such praising and loving signals that a behavior is okay you are essentially encouraging the behavior. While there is absolutely nothing wrong with a boy wearing pink, there is certainly a problem with the systematic emasculation of faux-feminism.

Bullshit like this does not empower anybody. It is merely an attempt by certain groups to recreate social norms in their image. It is cultural bullying. And worse yet, this emasculation is harmful to boys and likely to create confused and existentially unanchored adult males. I predict that the long term consequences of such pushy gender obfuscation will eventually create a new kind of male violence. One precipitated on a foundation of men who were bombarded with the seemingly innocuous message that it is okay (hint: better) to not be a man at all if you don’t want to.

And you wouldn’t want to do that, would ya?

That Time of the Month

“And you know what I get sick of, Frank? I get sick of all these god damned excuses. If it were just that you sometimes ate a virgin or shat on the deck, I could forgive you. But these endless excuses wear me down, Frank. ‘Oh, I can’t help it, Linda. It’s my time of the month.‘ Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Frank.”

“But Linda, I’m a fucking werewolf. Once a month supernatural forces compel me, against my will, to transform into a ravenous beast with little in common with my human self. And you knew this when you married me. ‘Oh, I know it won’t be easy, Frank. But nothing could keep me from wanting to spend the rest of my life with you. Plus, I think it’s kinda sexy.’ Remember that, Linda? Remember all that?”

“It was sexy back when you weren’t a fat dumbfuck in real life, and an even fatter, dumber fuck in the supernatural realm. You are a failure, Frank. A fucking loser. Even with supernatural powers you manage to get more weak and powerless every day of your life. Last full moon you never even left the lawn. You rarely even hunt anymore and you eat a tenth of your salary in Alpo every fucking month, Frank. Fucking loser.”

“Don’t hold anything back, Linda. Tell me what you really fucking think. Jesus leper-fuckin’ Christ, bitch. You are really one to talk. Remember introducing herpes into our home after fucking that weatherman, Linda? Remember getting fired for giving those herpes to your boss? Any of that ring a bell?”

“Who would have thought a guy who gets flea dipped half a dozen times a year, as well as regular treatments for heart and ringworms from eating animal shit would have such an issue with a little herpes? A guy who was once caught fucking the neighbors labrador retriever.”

“I was a fucking werewolf when I did that.”

I was a fucking werewolf when I did that.

“But I WAS!”

“Always the same god-damned thing with you, Frank. ‘It’s a full moon. It’s MY time of the month.‘ Wah, wah, waaah, Frank. You fucking loser.”

“I swear to fucking God, Linda, next time the moon changes I am going to finally fucking eat you. Once and for all.”

“I wish you would, Frank. I really wish you fucking would. Wereloser.”

Miss Idaho Wears An Insulin Pump & She Is Not Afraid To Show It

The link- Miss Idaho Wears An Insulin Pump…


The Rant- Some people think that a hero is somebody who puts their life on the line in the service of others. Lots of people think cops are heroes, but for what? Ruining the life of, and sometimes killing innocent people; while every once in awhile actually catching a guy almost, or just as bad, as the cops themselves? Lots of people think soldiers are heroes. But why? For ‘just following orders’ given by sociopaths and psychopaths that lead to the deaths of untold innocent human beings? FUCK THAT NOISE. A real hero is some half naked mental mongoloid who has the courage and moxie to cross a stage with a typical medical device. Beauty pageants are one of the most important parts of our social and spiritual fabric as a species, and their importance can not be understated. And with this rampant hatred and bigotry constantly being heaped mercilessly upon the diabetic, what a better place to break down a boundary that divides us at our very core? You want a fucking hero? Here ya go. She is 5’2″, has a dog and a cat named Mitzy, totally clears 84 points on an intelligence quotient test and is braver than George Washington and Jenny McCarthy combined. You go, girl. I do not know where or why, but it just feels good to say it. There, now I am crying. I told myself I wouldn’t do this here.

And now the HuffPost weather…
Todays weather will be fair and equal. It will be more fair than equal in some parts while other localities will experience a slight variation of higher fairness and lower equalness. As always, the weather promises universal access to its services to all people, processes and objects experiencing its phenomena. This comes on a three day streak of sadness the weather was experiencing but was able to overcome thanks to some kind comments on it’s Facebook wall. You cannot hold the weather down with your bullshit, biological privileged, socially constructed lie of meteorology.

And finally in HuffPost sports. Today an eight year old girl sat out a soccer game because her friend Jenny said she looked funny when she kicked the ball. Following these career devastating comments, some boys laughed at her, exacerbating the grievous injuries she received on the field. The game ended up in a tie, score- Tried to Tried. Every child took home a medal, even those who suffered emotional injuries and had to be benched for the game. Fuck you, Jenny!

Now stay tuned tomorrow night when we tell you a heartwarming tale of a young man who had the heart and the fire to bravely wear a hearing aid to his sisters piano recital and an eighty five year old hero who wore her colostomy bag to Wal Mart, despite the stigma and subsequent suffering of this courageous action.

New Digital Currency Whose Value Is Based On Your Reputation

The link- New Digital Currency Whose Value Is Based On Your Reputation

The rant- I do not have a lot to rant about here. This is a marriage of crypto currency and the reputation economy which I envisioned when I came up with the idea for Face Value.


It seems the future is heading my way. This is the third link in a week which has hinted at one of my writings being predictive. Am I psychic or just lucky?

The Burgerican Dream

the burgerican dream

Once upon a time the world came to an end. It just stopped doing what it was doing and through a series of FUBAR’s and SNAFU’s the number of TechnoApes dwindled down to nearly nothing. Nobody knew exactly what happened, but Alien Space Bats were strongly suspected. The few people who remained after humanities exodus from Earth gathered in small groups. These groups were characterized by a common interest shared by the members. In a small cattle farm in the midwest a few dozen such individuals collected around a mutual love of hamburgers. They called themselves Burgerica.

The Burgericans rebuilt their entire society around the production and consumption of hamburgers; as well as french fries and salads. Their social, political and economic systems were all maximized for burger production and consumption. Labor was divided so that there were those who farmed the raw materials and those who processed them into consumable forms. The two groups traded their products for the others and lived in harmony. But as time went on, the processes necessary to lead to hamburgers became more efficient, and the community grew.

Soon there was not enough work for all of the Burgericans, so they expanded their economy by having a new segment of the population which cooked and served the burgers to the other tradesmen and women. This worked for awhile, but soon people began to notice that some people made better burgers than others, and some suppliers and farmers had better practices than others in terms of efficiency and food safety. So a new segment was created of those who regulated the production, service and quality of burgers. But the community continued to grow and processes became more efficient and once again there were not enough jobs.

Since everybody was generally busy all day long farming and processing and serving and regulating, there was not enough burger consumption to keep up with supply. In order to decrease the supply and increase consumption there was a new segment created. This segment consisted mostly of people who were unhelpful or disinterested in burgers. They were given useless and mostly meaningless busywork and in exchange were allowed to consume hamburgers and french fries and salads.

Farming and processing are pretty hard work and for most people, serving burgers was pretty undignified. So people began flocking into the regulatory jobs as well as toward the busywork and consumption. Soon the number of people grew even more and the strain on the resources necessary to create hamburgers for everyone began to show.

When the farmers and processors and servers began to complain about their burden and warn the others about the imbalance of their system they were scorned. Burgers are everybody’s right, the others would say. We should all have equal access to burgers, they said.

The farmers and processors and servers tried to warn them that they were not saying they didn’t want to provide burgers, only that they could not provide burgers to everyone with a resource crisis looming. It was simply unsustainable. Besides, they added, most of you aren’t really doing anything but making our jobs more difficult or running stray errands that don’t produce the burgers that we all value and rely upon.

Yet the regulators and busyworkers would not hear of it. In fact, they began to insist that they had even more rights and access to the dwindling wealth produced by the hamburger economy, not just for themselves but for their families as well. So the farmers and processors and servers gave in, because there was nothing they could do. They were outnumbered and their way of life relied on keeping a steady supply of tasty burgers and fries and salads, so they pushed themselves and their resources to the very edge.

Finally it became apparent to the farmers they could not provide enough meat. The processors and servers felt the shortage and begin to feel the strain of a demand that could not be met. When the regulators and busyworking consumers caught wind of this they went nuts. They demanded and demanded that there were more and more burgers but their demands were pointless. It was not possible. Soon they began to fight one another for hamburgers and then they fought the servers and then they all fought the processors and then the processors joined them to go give the farmers hell, but they were all gone.

The farmers saw what was coming. They took their families and some meager possessions and equipment and went off to settle new lands. They left behind all that they had built in Burgerica and went off on their own. Amongst them they decided never to specialize again. Every farmer would produce, process, serve and regulate the things that they found valuable. Where there was mutually shared interest in one another’s products, they would trade. But they shunned a system of centralized authority and economic processes and instead traded and self organized through voluntary consent which relied upon every individuals talents, values and reputation.

And they lived happily ever after. Except for when they didn’t, because that is how life goes, but that was okay because their wisdom taught them that fighting it just made it worse.

Naked Guy At Park Arrested For Jerking Off on Picnic Table

UPDATED 7/26/2014 (scroll to bottom)

The Link- Naked Guy Arrested

The Rant- Well, you certainly do not want to be this guy right now. While the internet makes comparisons to Christopher Walken and swears the guy looks like a sex offender, I don’t think anyone would look like their best after being booked for playing whack-a-pole in a park.

The park in question is actually a few miles outside of Iowa City. I did not even know it existed until it was in the news recently after the state of Iowa decided to make it a preserve, and  visited it for the first time ever. It is a nice park. Quiet and secluded. Seems to me like the perfect place to rub one out while connecting with the nymphs, fairies and satyrs roaming the woods. Until recently you could probably have gotten away with it. This guy may have been shining the salami there for years and then the stupid state had to go and highlight its existence and ruin his perfectly good wank spot. What a fucking bummer.


The article says he was confronted by some hikers passing by. Why the fuck didn’t they just keep passing by? What bother was it to them? What kind of perverted heroes interrupt the old tug and pull? Why can’t people just relax and mind their own fucking business instead of making a big deal out of people committing their harmless little trespasses? It is assholes like that which make the world an even harder place to live in than it already is.


Sure, jerking off at a public park is probably not the best idea, but do you think the crime was as great as the punishment will be? The public shaming and having this on his record will alter his life in some pretty harsh ways.


Who amongst us hasn’t given their genitals a high five in a public place before? I once jerked off on a fire at local lake one night just to see if maybe it wouldn’t have some kind of magical outcum. I mean, who knows until you try, and as far as I know that might have been the worlds first attempt. I did not do it out of sexual deviancy or predatory perversion. I did it out of boredom and curiosity. I would hate to think my life could have been ruined by it.


The moral of this story is that if you see somebody wiggling their sins in public and there are no kids around or any direct victims, walk the fuck away and have an interesting story to tell your friends later. You just never know, that strange outdoor masturbation may just be an attempt at spiritual transcendence or unlocking the secret mysteries of Universe.


Well, as it turns out, our friend the public masturbator was probably not trying avoid detection when he wound his spindle in the woods a few weeks back. Nor was he likely trying to transform reality by waving his wand in a new, untested ways. As it turns out, he is just a creep. An unfortunate and sad degenerate who got on the wrong path somewhere along the way.

So I guess I was wrong and wish to take back all comparisons between his behavior and my own. Just delete those files in your database, if ya get a chance, noumsane?

Better Just Stick With Rose: Names, Coincidences and Cosmic Meaning

name coincidences

“What’s in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;”
-Willy the Bard

One day as a high school junior in an art class a friend and I pondered whether the color or the fruit first bore the title ‘orange’. Either way would make a lot of sense, since both served as perfect descriptors of the other, but this was before the internet so rather than solving the problem we just decided to rename the color since that was primarily the context we were working in. But it got me thinking about how language interacts with reality and I spent many years pondering the subtleties of these relationships.

These interactions become all the more apparent when we are working with proper titles. The semantic function of names is essential to all types of human language. Before language we must have communicated through actions. As we evolved and began giving the subjects of these activities titles, we were no longer bound by the consciousness of the verb. Through names and titles we were able to describe individuals or elements of interactions. Yet these names and titles were often descriptive of the accomplishments or failures of the individual. In the beginning of language the links between names and behaviors was intentional but as we have evolved and use different nominative methods these links still persist in the most synchronistic of ways. The relationship between the signal and the signified in modern times is often full of coincidence. Or is it? Could language have so obscured the fact that reality is a verb rather than a noun that the strength of names is able to shape our consciousness and reality? Are the essence of the word ‘rose’ and the thing ‘rose’ so inextricably tied together within the framework of our conscious reality that by any other name they would indeed smell quite differently?

For this article I will focus on human names only, although the synchronicities between names occurs all throughout language, nature and history. This entry will also be short compared to the billions of anecdotes it might be possible to collect. Probably almost everybody that you know, including yourself, could recall at least one incident of titular coincidence. I was literally born with it.

My full name is Joshua Scott Hotchkin, although most people call me Josh. My initials are JSH which practically spells my usual title, sans the vowel. I can assure you that this is a coincidence, as nobody within my family realized it until long after I was christened thusly. Often I identify as a prankster shaman, or, someone who is probably ‘just Joshin’ ya’. But the most compelling synchronicity comes from my last name.

My father was born Scott Leslie Smith to Joyce Deere and Roger Smith. Roger left not long after and my grandmother then met the man who would be my grandfather, Neil Hotchkin. The two were married by the time my father was sent to school so he was registered as Scott Hotchkin, which then became his legal name. The jiggery pokery involved in a name change has since become much more complex, but those were simpler times. Essentially my father was given the name Hotchkin from his stepfather. So what does Hotchkin mean? Hotchkin is a variation of the old English name Hodgekin. The ‘kin’ suffix refers to the fact that the names bearer we born into the family indicated by the names prefix, which in this case is ‘hodge’. The word ‘hodge’ is a derivative nickname of the proper name ‘Roger’. Therefore the name Hotchkin translates literally as ‘Rogers family’. Which is accurate, as my fathers biological father was named Roger. However it was the name given to him by his stepfather which described his actual birthright.

The next story is anecdotal and admittedly unverified. It involves two men, twins, who were separated at birth. Both boys were named James by their adopted families. As adults both of them grew up to marry women named Linda with whom each had a son named James Alan/Allan. Both also divorced their wife Linda and remarried a woman named Betty. The two also both had a dog named Toy. Finally each man had studied for careers in law enforcement and excelled in mechanical drawing and carpentry. Only later in life after all these coincidences came to pass did the two men finally reunite and relate their similar stories.

Often times in the news and politics we will see these strange synchronicities. The story of the Lincoln/Kennedy coincidences with all of the corresponding titular similarities is a famous story. Often these correlations are so bizarre they seem like the product of design by a conspiratorial agency like the fabled Illuminati. A group of enlightened elite tricksters using their influence to shape the world with enough subtlety to pull it off, but enough linguistic clues to make the game all that much more exciting.

In the time before the 2008 election it seemed mind boggling to me that the man most likely to become the next POTUS could have such an unlikely name. Barack Hussein Obama. During the last presidency the sworn enemies of our countries had been Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden. Could the American people really participate in another staged election in which the winner would be a man who shared a name specifically with Saddam Hussein and shared another within a single letter with Osama bin Laden? Was this the result of conspiratorial in jokes, or just coincidence? Or does it point to some kind of strange cohesion within the framework of consensus reality?

Chuck Shepard is a reporter whose News of the Weird graced newspapers for years throughout the country with tales of the inexplicable, whether it was anomalous Fortean phenomena or just bizarre criminal behavior. During this time he began to notice the John Wayne phenomena. So he took an interest and did some further research on violent crime and the correlations with names ‘John Wayne’ or just ‘Wayne’ as a first or middle name. He noticed that these names came up an unparalleled number of times among convicted violent criminals. His list is long and compelling and I doubt you could find another such example of criminal titular synchronicity even if you cross referenced it with every other name or name set against the variable of the commonality between the nominatives.

Chuck theorized that this was the result of early action movie hero John Wayne, who often played a hard and rugged man always connected to violence. It was his idea that men who self-identified themselves as hard, rugged men may identify with John Wayne and therefore name their sons after or based off the screen legend. Men who identify as hard and rugged may themselves be prone to violence, a trait which is likely to be passed down both through nature and nurture. However, it has also been noted that the John Wayne phenomena occurred often enough even before Chucks explained chain of events could have inspired it. Is this an early example of memes or some cosmic semantic mindfudge?

Studies in recent years have shown a higher incarceration rate for those christened with irregular names. Statistically this means that naming your son Robert or Charles may be more wise than naming him Starblitz or Lysander. Theories about this phenomena generally indicate that the environment one grows up within corresponds to family values about normality and conformity. The oddly named child is more likely to be exposed to worldviews in which social conventions are challenged rather than encouraged and expected, which may increase their tendency towards behaviors that put them at odds with authorities. Is this a case of cause and effect or synchronicity? Or does there even necessarily need to be a distinction between the two?

‘Aptronym’ is the most common name given for the phenomena in which a persons name seems to describe some element of their existence. As an example, in 2011 a congressman named Anthony Wiener was revealed to have sent photographs of his barely unexposed penis to a follower on Twiiter, creating a media controversy. Or there is the story about Portland, Oregon police officer McCageor ‘Cage’ Byrd, who was applauded in the media for having saved an injured Red Tail Hawk by rescuing it and then transporting it via cage to the Audubon Society. And who could forget Lorena Bobbitt who ‘bobbed’ off her lovers penis and into headlines. Then you have Mildred and Richard Loving, an interracial couple whose right to love went all the way to the Supreme Court, challenging miscegenation laws.

When an aptronym refers specifically to a synchronistic link between the name of an individual and their career path that is often called Nominative Determinism. I first encountered this while employed processing outgoing mail. Most clients were within the education field and i began to notice how often their names were befitting of their jobs, such as Elizabeth Reading, Library Coordinator. My favorite of these was a certain Dr. Gage Payne. An example of this which became well know was the urologist Richard Chopp, who specializes in vasectomies. This phenomena is well known and examples can be found all over the internet. I wonder, if i would have been born ‘Will Hung’ would I be making adult movies in SoCal right now instead of writing an article about titular synchronicity? Did my own nominative determinism lead me to a path in which I would validate the coincidences within my name by making a name for that name talking about names?

This stewpot of our existence gets thicker the longer its on the burner and as it cooks down the flavors tend to blend into a homogenous whole. Is language merely a product of this culinary reality, or is it the ingredients within it? How much of our mental framework is constructed through language and words and names? Then, how much of our reality is constructed by our mental framework? If our minds generate reality through consensus and belief, as I have agreed to believe they do, then does not language also provide the structure for what phenomena does and does not occur and/or exist? As all of the ingredients and instructions in this recipe advance it becomes more and more difficult to differentiate between the meaningful and the coincidental. This is likely to continue until the flavors are indistinguishable from one another. Meanings and coincidences are just flavors of the same dish and as they break down we begin to see the oneness reforming from the varied elements. As our species is rapidly and exponentially evolving in so many ways it becomes clearer that the divisions we place between things begins to dissolve. Entropy is the process by which the singular reforms itself from deconstruction of its former self. It is the cyclical process by which intelligence zooms in and out of itself to have a look and in the process becoming the one or the many, ad infinitum. Our minds are the many, rooted and connected by a whole, but separated for the purpose of learning and growth at this stage. Through the interactions between language and reality, names and people, we catch a glimpse at our own interconnected nature. Words and actions feedback against one another until the differences resolve and the lessons have been absorbed. Is it just a coincidence that ‘human’ looks and sounds like a portmanteau between ‘humor’ and ‘man’ or is it a hint that buried in the bizarre and comic elements of this existences lie the truths of our genesis, ontology and teleology?

How To Be A Better Person In 5 Easy Steps

how to be a better person

“The neurotic is nailed to the cross of his fiction.” -Alfred Adler

When it comes to peace of mind each and every one of us are our own greatest obstacles. Our tendency towards reflexive thoughts and behaviors cause us to react to things without fully considering the validity or value of our reactions. As such we create unintended consequences for ourselves and others that prevent us from achieving the kinds of interactions we consciously desire. Through our life experiences we have forged a singular perspective that allows us to filter the limitless information around us so that we can respond to circumstances that threaten our well being quickly. Unfortunately that perspective is necessarily full of bias, suspicion and anxiety. It becomes all too easy to use this survival perspective in more trivial situations. Even in our minor day to day interactions we often slip into this safe/selfish mindset and think and act automatically without conscious input from our rational mind. By reacting to ourselves and others instinctually we create negative fictions which become self fulfilling prophecies. The key to kindness and contentment lies in a concentrated effort by the individual to continuously write their fictions self consciously with full awareness of our desires and neuroses.

My road to these lessons were paved in a lifetime of ham fisted attempts to forge happiness out of strength of personality. Alternately I also often just went with the flow when I knew full well that was not what I wished to be doing. These seemingly opposite responses both came from a failure to exercise my free will in a healthy, self-aware manner. As the imperviousness of youth faded I began to see the error of my ways but still required years to learn the specifics of the problematic ways in which I perceived and responded to my environment. Having built a basic understanding of this I have only in the past few years been able to begin recalibrating myself towards more favorable outcomes. It is a constant exercise in self conscious inspection of my perceptions before I choose a properly measured reaction. I have far from perfected these methods but my experience with them so far has helped make me a better person to myself and others and generated better outcomes for all. As rewarding as these improved outcomes are, the most delightful part of the whole learning process is the pride and confidence you gain knowing that you have a more self control and a greater ability to create happiness for those around you.

Lesson #1: Learn to Tell Yourself to Shut the Fuck Up

This is by far the most important lesson of them all. You must constantly be vigilant in monitoring yourself so as to become aware when you have become counterproductive or irrational. While it is obviously important to develop a filter between ones thoughts and ones mouth it is even more important to respond to your own internal dialogue. Your mind is a conglomeration of instinct and imagination that can work just as easily against you as it can for you. Most of our discontent is sown internally when we let our preferences, peeves and quirks speak above the voice of reason and understanding. Paranoia, jealousy, control, greed and many of the other negative human vices are the result of acting on those negative little dialogues in our heads. Not only is it important to recognize those voices and ignore them, but you must systematically disempower them by responding directly to them with a counter-dialogue.

Think of this as the cartoon cliche of the angel and devil who speak alternately into opposite ears. Whether you prefer to think of your conscious/rational voice as the angel and your subconscious/reactionary voice as the devil, or vice versa, matters not. You must develop a conscious, rational and self aware agency that can be used to measure and respond appropriately to the bias, automata and emotional hyperbole that is a natural (if not sometimes unwelcome) part of your human existence. Another way to think of this is as empowering your adult mind over the reflexes of our childish nature. None of us ever becomes an adult through some arbitrary boundary in space and time. Becoming a mature, wise and productive person requires the conscious effort to squash those arrested vestigial parts of our development that are prone to selfishness, paranoia and manipulation.

I most often find myself having to internalize, ‘Shut the fuck up, Josh’ when my expectations for others or for a situation are unreasonable. While it is still possible that my perception of a situation or the manner in which I would respond are more reasonable than what might occur without my input or attempt to control the situation, it may still very well be wrong on a personal, social or individual level. When the cost of being right outweighs the benefits then it becomes unreasonable not to be flexible, understanding and empathetic.

Paranoia is another way in which I must chide my negative inner voices. By thinking or acting on fears based on speculation to a degree that goes beyond caution and into the realm of delusion, we use our imaginations to create frustration, hostility and distrust and plant and nurture seeds of the undoing of our well being.

So when you find yourself caught in the inertia of negative or unproductive thinking tell yourself, specifically to ‘shut the fuck up, yournamehere’. You need the ‘fuck’ to let yourself know you are serious and by using your own name you disempower the delusion that the problem is external, when in fact you are the problem. I will often even add the reasons why I need to shut the fuck up and deliver some barbed one liners to myself. This is not an attempt to degrade or shame myself, but rather a conscious effort to address my folly with humor so that I can deal with it in a constructive manner that allows me to understand the error and laugh at myself. For every time that somebody else tells me to shut the fuck up or secretly wishes that I would (which I imagine is above average in my case), I have probably told myself to shut the fuck up a few dozen times. And the more I do it, the better I listen.

Lesson #2: The Undecided Are Internally Divided

While it may seem counterintuitive to suggest that it is important to make decisions without unnecessary haste after recommending that you weigh all considerations carefully before responding, it is an important factor in maintaining equilibrium internally and externally. It is clearly foolish to rush towards judgement or make uninformed decisions. By building an intuition based on rational understanding and emotional clarity, however, we begin to be able to afford ourselves the knowledge and trust necessary to make good decisions without intellectual wavering that cripples us from inaction. All too often we find our choices limited by our inability or timeliness in making a choice.

None of us can know the entire chain of events or consequences that will unfold from the decisions we make, big or small. There will undoubtedly always be unknown negative side effects and unconsidered bonuses arising from whatever path that we follow. The best way to mitigate the former in hopes of the latter is to set yourself upon a decisive course of action and dedicate yourself to that premise for as long as it can be shown to provide more favorable results than negative consequences. Once you have made a basic decision then the smaller decisions needed to execute your goals will become more apparent to you. And by careful experimentation you can eliminate other paths along the way that lead to dead ends. This will involve making crucial mistakes. These mistakes are essential to learn about yourself, others and the world around you.

At the same time you must remember that nothing is permanent. That you are always the agency of your own decisions and that at any time you can alter paths if it becomes necessary. In most regards you are the boundary to your own progress. Some will err in the inability to dedicate themselves to their decisions with the perseverance to make them work, while others will select a wrong path and find themselves unable to admit from and learn from their errors. This prevents them from abandoning a dead end or trudging through the impassable rather than to deal gracefully with their mistakes with dignity and humility, which ultimately obscures all that their experience may have taught them.

Yet whichever side you error towards you have forgotten that all things are transitory. Nothing is permanent. The humility, regret and shame of a bad decision is a far greater tool of progress than the narcissism of a stubborn ego. You will recover and evolve more quickly as you learn to recognize your own mistakes and faulty reasoning. Which leads us to the next lesson.

Lesson #3: Nobody Is Taking This As Seriously As You Are

Nothing is permanent. Your decisions may create tensions with those that you care about. Sometimes these external conflicts become necessary to resolve internal conflicts. Human relationships are infinitely complex and it is impossible to navigate them without encountering some rough seas. In some cases the damage between two individuals may be so great that reconciliation is not possible, but these cases are extremely rare considering the number of relationships we have with multiple individuals throughout our lifetime. It is often more likely that given some time for consideration and introspection as well as distance and healing, the problems between individuals will resolve themselves independently in those involved. Time does indeed heal most wounds. And what time cannot heal can be nurtured with renewed trust and faith when the time comes to make amends.

I have done some cruel, petty and selfish things in my life yet I have less than a handful of bridges burned in my wake. Those crossings always rebuilt themselves in time and only required I did my part to meet halfway with genuine apologies and forgiveness. We are more likely to forgive and be forgiven than not because our hurt and sorrow concerning others is proportionate to the joy and love they have brought us. That joy and love is always a path back to a healthy relationship, so we need not fear the consequences of decisions that build temporary divides between individuals. Your ability to be forgiven is in direct proportion to your ability to forgive.

We take ourselves very seriously. Because we are so aware of our own pettiness, clumsiness and distinguishing ineptitude in certain areas, we mistakenly think that others have us under equal consideration. The truth of the matter is that we are all so concerned with our own internal and external images that we are rarely distracted with the the image and behaviors of others. Our basic self centeredness keeps us so busy managing ourselves that we do not consider others as much as we come to believe they are considering us. The result is that usually nobody is as critical of us as we are of ourselves. Yet we persist in the paranoia that we are constantly being measured and judged by others. As unlikely as it may seem, this is probably for the best. By weighing how we think others perceive us we are inclined to create an image and act in ways that show basic empathy. This feedback loop of perceived image keeps us honest. What is important is that you remind yourself that nobody does, could or should take you as seriously as you take yourself. Otherwise you create delusory external pressures that prevent you from a rational and emotionally balanced outlook.

The final way in which we take ourselves to seriously seems to be a hangover from our childhood. This is the persistent underlying feeling that we will be ‘in trouble’ for our thoughts and actions. While many actions will indeed have negative consequences if they disobey basic social tenets, most of these impending feelings of doom are contrived out of irrational fear. You are an adult. Other adults have no power over you in which you have not given them the authority to exercise that power. (I am disregarding legal and professional repercussions as I am trying to address social interactions and power struggles between individuals.)

The feeling of dread is familiar to anyone who ever feels they have disappointed somebody that they respect or love. This is especially true within our families and closest friends. We fear upsetting the expectations or values of those that we care about. As a result we tend to over-exaggerate the consequences of doing so. The more we care about someone the more power they have over us and it is possible to mistake the power of love for the power of authority. As I said, this seems to me to be a psychological construct we carry from our childhood when love and authority were somewhat synonymous in our development. However, this is no longer the case. Those who love and respect you as an equal, which is the basis of any healthy relationship, also strive for your love and validation. Disappointment, hurt and confusion will always give way to acceptance. You will do yourselves and others the greatest favor in the long run be authentic and true to yourself, while being aware of the consequences that might entail and having the wisdom and courage to face them with understanding, empathy and humility.

The simplest way to maintain the awareness that nobody is taking you as seriously as you are taking yourself is often to stop taking yourself so seriously.

Lesson #4: Use Your Mind Intentionally

If idle hands are the devils tools, then idle minds are his blueprints. We are thinking creatures. It cannot be helped. Our need to interact and process is often greater than opportunities seem to allow us. When we are not consciously guiding our internal dialogues they tend towards the instinctual automatic thinking that often results in negative thoughts or anxiety. The comfort and safety afforded us by civilization has made it unnecessary to be concerned with hierarchies and survival strategies that the untended mind reverts to. Where our thoughts are not being led by our free will they will turn to petty insecurities, perceived mistreatment or imagined problems.

There is a simple solution to this. Since our minds also crave information and because we are innately curious beings we can use these to counteract mindless thinking. We have at our disposal a wealth of information unthinkable to humans of even the recent past. By engaging our minds in constant learning we not only prevent ourselves from harmful thinking but create knowledge and connections that we can use to understand and guide our perceptions and interactions. The more pieces of the puzzle you gather the greater the picture you will have to inform your worldview. The insatiable thirst for knowledge is a powerful tool when engaged consciously with a delightful voracity, while it can be a worthy obstacle when left to idle unengaged.

On the flip side it is also necessary to acquire the skill of meditative solitude so that you can synthesize the information and connections into understanding so that they can become part of a consciously constructed intuition which replaces your subconscious and unconscious instincts. Learning to enjoy silence and nothingness and becoming lost in a wealth of acquired knowledge to a degree that you can abstract it into your own language, symbols and archetypes will provide you with tools for healthy interaction and self evolution. Now you just need to learn how to use those tools.

Lesson #5: Creative Expression Is DIY Therapy

Once you are able to understand the workings of your mind and reduce parts of it to abstract symbols and archetypes you may then use them to simulate reality so that you can understand it in meaningful ways. By shuffling your deck of knowledge and laying the cards out in new random patterns you will increase your connectivity and create novel solutions for the hang ups of yourself and others.

Creative expression can take on many forms. The most powerful of these forms is language. Language helps to form the conceptual basis of our perception and worldview. From language we derive our values and goals and connect to others for both social reasons and to foster cooperation. The written word is an especially powerful tool because it allows us to view our own thoughts outside of our minds where we can be more critical of them and also more considerate. When our thoughts manifest only internally or in the form of speech we are not given the opportunity to craft or refine them to our liking. Most people have trouble expressing themselves clearly to others simply because they have not practiced on themselves first. Expression is key in understanding our own thoughts, fears and desires and being expressive in a creative way allows us the freedom to do so with no limitations or expectations.

Simple tasks like lists weighing pros and cons can help you understand a situation better. When you can expand the language of that situation into poetry, prose, lyrics, fictions or essays you expand your own understanding of it. And if you choose to share it you may invite others to add their perspective to your own to expand it even further by applying even more considerations. However most people may not be comfortable sharing their innermost thoughts and workings. If this is this case, this should not prevent you from the act of creative expression itself. The important part is doing it for yourself. If that means you keep secret journals or write stories and poems that nobody else will ever read, that is okay. The goal here is not a product; it is exploration, experimentation and examination of ones own innermost intellectual, emotional and individual constructs. And even though writing is the most powerful tool you may choose painting, pottery, dance, music or any other way of transcribing your personal symbols and archetypes into a process of self discovery. The only wrong way to do it is to not do it at all.

If you are not fully satisfied with this list-based foray into self improvement you may return it within thirty days for a full refund. Rules and restrictions may apply.

My ‘Naked’ Truth

The link: My ‘Naked’ Truth

My response: I agree that one should love their self. But I find loathsome the idea suggested here that the man was wrong for finding her unattractive. This seems like telling a gay man that what he finds attractive is a choice and if he doesn’t share your values of attraction he is an unenlightened deviant. I do not find sexual preference to be a choice. Nor do I think it is genetics. The key lies within imprint conditioning, a process that occurs during our development and is a complex variable of sometimes unrelated factors. It would also stand to reason that according to evolutionary paradigms, young fertile women would be an idea sexual partner, as these qualities are good for producing healthy offspring and preserving the family, tribe and species.

I find this kind of female bullying intolerable. Men are constantly being sent messages that our preferences and values are not okay if they do not acquiesce to the emotional states and values of women. That seems pretty one-sided to me. Although I avoid the term ‘feminist’, many feminists myself included, find this emasculating, bullying coercive pop culture feminism to be just plain awful for human relations.
I also find the idea that our sexuality must remain such a central factor of our entire lives to be ridiculous. There is nothing wrong with sex. Sex can be a form of bonding and spiritual exploration between individuals. But it is also basically just a biological function. Once we outgrow the necessity of the breeding function we should be excited to bond and explore our spiritual natures in plethoras of new ways without the nagging voice of evolution directing those needs genitally all of the time.
Our modern insecurities and lack of self awareness obfuscate some great truths. We turn too often to sex alone to fulfill deeper needs because we have forgotten how to do so in our mindlessly consumptive culture. Rather than consuming one another physically in an act of primal desire to address the needs of individuals and relationships, we should turn many of those opportunities into a chance to explore new grounds.

Mostly the thing I don’t like here is the shaming. She could have written this article in a way which explained the situation, blamelessly, that allowed her to express her love for herself. That she did not chose that route makes me doubt the sincerity of her positive self-image and makes me think that she overcompensates with blame. Its too bad, because written well, she might also have pointed out how it was okay for the guy to feel that way and that this is why it is important that couples talk first. And also how we are all products of cultural ideas about sex. Not just women. The victimization attitude of women that paints all men as part of the problem does irreparable harm to us and keeps us from uniting against the common forces that fuck us all up.

We have a long way to go to defeat the damage done by the second wave of feminism and the quasi feminism, or Oprahism, that followed in its wake. Luckily, the new wave of feminists realize this and account for it in their philosophies.

It also seems that both parties failed to communicate their thoughts before jumping into the sack, which never turns out well.

It has been argued that the man should never have led her on, but we do not know his side of the story. It would be foolish to judge him without hearing him out.

Being is difficult. We are constantly subject to inner and outer turmoil. We evolve and change, as do our hearts and minds. This woman wasted a good opportunity to address some deeper issues and instead opted to play the role of victim in order to be worshipped as a hero by the cult of victimization.

Interview- Oz

Interview with Oz Wright June 9-12, 2014

If your worldview were a religion, what classic cartoon character would best represent it as a figurehead, and why?

I suppose this isn’t the easiest question to answer, if I truly consider the implications of it. What is my worldview, anyway? And if it were a religion, what would that religion be like? I didn’t really seriously consider too many classic cartoon characters to be the figurehead for my worldview religion. 

I decided to choose Wile E. Coyote as the figurehead, mascot, and spiritual leader of my personal worldview / religion. I believe Mr. Coyote fits the criterion of being a classic cartoon character, which could be subject to interpretation. I could not think of any other characters which would be able to personify the same qualities as Wile E. I wanted a figurehead who would lead by example, and although I strongly advise against attempting most of the stunts we have seen this particular critter try in his ever vigilant quest to capture the ever-elusive road runner. There are several admirable qualities about the Coyote that we can learn from. I realize that he is supposed to be a villain, but one man’s terrorist is another man’s freedom fighter, and I sympathize with the coyote. Although caught up in the modern world of science, technology, and consumerism, he has not lost the essence of who he is. He chases the road runner in his own mail-order, Rube Goldberg nightmare. After repeated failure he doesn’t get depressed and whine about his sad lot in life, no sir! He orders a pair of rocket-powered roller skates and a flame-thrower and goes back out to face his demons. It doesn’t matter how many cliffs he falls off of, or how many boulders fall on his head, he shall not be deterred. Use failure as a learning experience, as a stepping stone to achieving your goals. Some see him as the “bad guy”, because he wants to eat the road runner. I find no blame in this, as the coyote is a predator. He is hungry. He is engaged in a daily struggle to survive in a harsh world, and he is simply following his natural instinct as a coyote, in outlandish and hilarious ways. There is something very Zen-like in this pursuit.f He exists in the moment. What happened in the past does not matter at this particular time to the coyote. He is involved in existing, in being, in doing what comes naturally to him, in the moment. He is hungry, but no road runner can satiate this hunger, because the point of the journey is the journey. The coyote is hungry for the hunt, for the struggle, and I feel that this is an important lesson to learn. Wile E. Coyote also knows how to keep his mouth shut. He has the ability to speak, he did in the first shorts he appeared in. He has a fine speaking voice, talks like Frazier Crane or something. Either way, at some point he either took a vow of silence or ran out of stuff to say, and that’s cool with me. If the Coyote knows, he ain’t saying. He’s not going to narc you out, or call the police because you were playing the drums too loud. No time for that, he has a road runner to catch. I want someone to lead my religion who does things, rather than just says things. As long as you don’t follow him off the side of a cliff, it is hard to be misled by someone who doesn’t speak. He has no hidden agenda, he is up front about who he is. His motives are not obscure. Those are the main reasons that I would want Wile E. Coyote as my spiritual figurehead. There is much that can be learned from the way he acts, and what he does. The Coyote just IS, man.

What character or mascot from a children’s cereal would best represent the other side of your worldview, the darkness? Which breakfast marketing cartoon best represents the maligned aspects of an existence in which Wile E Coyote can be seen as a triumphant spiritual lesson?

Cap’n Crunch. That’s who I gotta go with. This wasn’t an easy pick. It was down to the wire on several cereal mascots. But the so called “Cap’n”, aka Horatio Magellan Crunch, is just a creepy old guy impersonating a naval officer. His primary purpose seems to be to go around making kids happy by giving them cereal. But I feel it is all much more nefarious. First of all, that shit really ain’t good for kids! I don’t think it has the most sugar, but it got enough, I know that much. So this weird old dude is lurking around your children, and “crunchatizing” the hell out of everything, which basically means giving out a higher risk of diabetes to kids. I’m pretty libertarian, so I don’t care what kinda dope you wanna push, just don’t be pushing it on the kids, man. And what the hell? You going to trust a man who dresses like that? I don’t have children, but I sure wouldn’t want a guy like that around any children. Promising happiness through sugar and consumerism. Cereal only buys temporary happiness. And you pay for it in the long run. Actually, you pay for it in the short term too- you seen the prices on that stuff? I can buy shwag cheaper than that. It’s a twisted marketing scheme, to try to use children as tools. I trust that guy about as much as I trust the government, and that is not much. And I can’t really think of any endearing qualities or positive attributes about the Cap’n. He seems pretty fake to me.

Good and evil are extremes of a rather wide swath of grey area. Most of us fit much closer to the middle. In literature the idea of an ‘everyman’ is widely used. What literary character do you think best fits the average experience, outcomes and temperament of the average human being?

 I suppose Tom Joad from “The Grapes of Wrath”. Granted, his experience isn’t exactly like everyone, most of you haven’t been to prison, or been through the adverse circumstances that he has. But an “average” human experience, to me, seems like an unusual concept, as all humans individually experience things radically different from everyone else. But Tom Joad is a very human character. He can be good, bad, or somewhere in the grey area. Really he just wants a decent opportunity to live and survive, and he cares about his family. And he goes through hell trying to attain that. To me, the guy seems pretty “normal”, whatever that means. I really am not well versed in literature, I mostly read non-fiction, so I have a limited set of familiar characters from whom to choose. I still feel, however, that Tom Joad would accurately reflect my concept of “everyman”. He mostly just sees what he feels is right and does that. He is willing to break the law in the name of morality and justice, as he sees it. I think many people are. It’s truly hard to represent the average character for everyone. I guess he is average to me.

Thanks Oz! Some nutrition for cognition for our readers to nosh upon.

Interview- Michael B.

Interview with Michael Bertolf June 10/11, 2014

Human individuals have come to tend more and more towards specialized knowledge due to economic paradigms. While this specialization has afforded us a high degree of knowledge in many areas it has also robbed us of the basic skills which make us independent. What are three skills most Americans once had but have now lost which we should relearn and why?

1) The skill/ability to do basic repairs/fixes around the home, 2) the skill/ability to make the basic things of life (clothing and food) and 3) the skill/ability to entertain oneself and others. It was hard to choose three as I think the commonality is self-reliance. These skills allow one to accomplish meaningful things that bring values of accomplishment, assisting others, and providing sustenance to oneself and others. They also square firmly (imo) to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. They all give, at the base safety. As these skills develop into an unconscious competence they allow one to develop intimacy with others, increase self esteem, and allow a level of self actualization. They also allow us to learn what levels of things can we do, and where do we need to seek assistance, either in learning a new sub skill set, or some thing that requires another (or more) set of hands. They allow us to be independent, but also allow us to work with others. I can build a chicken coop by myself, but I doubt I could build a barn by myself. Even though both require the same base skill. The sad part is that many, if not most of the things in our homes are designed in such a way that they cannot be repaired, but must be replaced.

How about the role of art? As we further specialize art becomes an external phenomena to be consumed by those outside of its specialization. This is in stark contrast to only a short time ago when art was a part of our every day lives. Through communal crafting, making music in our homes for our own entertainment and the oral story telling traditions; we were once artistically independent. How do you think that the human condition has been affected by the bifurcation of art as process and art as substance?

I prefer to use the word art to encompass, not just esthetic art, but other activities that require skill and mastery(unconscious competency). Given that premise, I see the role of art as one that allows us to define and express who we are. This defining and expression is not just on an individual level, but also at the group level. The bifurcation of process and substance (and I agree that this bifurcation exists) has had a negative effect on our condition. First it has allowed a dissociation from very traditional art to the more modern definition that art is merely the esthetic “art”. One thing that has done is that now the creation of “art” is reserved only for those special people who make esthetic art. It’s separated us from our ability to express and define ourselves individually and given that to a small elite group, who may not, and quite often do not, have similar life experiences. It has also commodified art, making it a consumer product, rather than a shared experience. Instead of expressing and defining ourselves, now we have others defining who we are. It’s caused us to look to others to tell us who we are, rather than looking inward and defining ourselves.

The commodification of all things is the most disturbing outcome of industrial society. In my worldview I see ‘evil’ as being ‘mindless consumption’ and ‘good’ as ‘awareness and free will’. If you had to pick two forces, attitudes or paradigms to represent universal ‘good’ and ‘evil’ what would they be?

Evil would be the thought that children are property to use and abuse as the person wishes. Childhood sexual, physical, and mental abuse causes life long damage that many people never recover from at all, and a lot continue to deal with throughout their entire lives. 

Good would be self awareness. Which involves (to me) a critical knowledge of yourself, the ability to, at least attempt to, see the world through another’s lenses, have a sense of self responsibility, a good balance of justice v. mercy and a capability to examine the world in a questioning, and accepting manner.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me, Mike. These interviews have many purposes including perspective gathering and sharing, which makes this a successful interview.


Interview- Lance

Interview with Lance Delvin Becker July 9, 2014


Assume we are descended from a hybrid of ancient primates and alien visitors. What would be the purpose of such an experiment and what would be the most awkward thing about having sex with an alien?


First off, we did; try reading the fucking Bible. Second, that’s the folly of human existence; we need to find purpose in everything and assume we have the capacity to perceive all purposes. The purpose could range from anywhere between an accident, to a 2nd grade science experiment, to entertainment, or malicious reason or any number of other alternatives. The absolute fact is there are no absolutes we can comprehend today and no truths either so fuck it, let’s party while we’re here and while we’re white. Sex with aliens? I’m for it so long as they’re sexy, humanoid, lady aliens and not clownoid, but I’d have to respectfully decline seeing as how I’m about to indulge in the holy sacrament of matrimony here in the next month. Sorry sexy, humanoid, lady aliens but I’ve already found an alien I fancy.



I read the bible once and I got a real bad case of the locusts. You ever try consummating your matrimony with a plague of locusts? And you think anal is noisy!

What is some advice your current self would like to give yourself on your five year anniversary?



I’ve not tried that. How many stars would you give it on amazon?


Most of them. At least some. Probably a lot.


I’d tell myself to tell me future self to tell his future self to put off having kids for another 5 years. Also, stop skipping leg day.


At the beginning of 2013 the world had just reached the 7 billion mark. We have almost already reached the 7.25 mark. That is 1/29th of the worlds population in just a year and a half. That is some serious bananas. If it were an absolute necessity, how would you choose to reduce populations in a short time span?


I would issue sex robots to all individuals between the ages of 10 and 100 instantly/permanently stunting the growth rate. Next, the sex robots would probably become Nazi sex robots and kill the Jews.


You should probably do that anyway. I am sure you could find some cyborg experiment volunteers in Palestine. Maybe take out the Confuscists, too.

Thanks for playing, Lance. Keep your shirts folded.


Shirts without sleeves are easy to fold.


You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know how to walk when the killings done.


If K-Rog was right about anything it was either that or tity-fucking Dolly Parton.



Interviewed- Advanced Ape

Interviewed by Joshua Hansen October 2012


Joshua Hansen- How do you prevent vaginal discharge from permanently creating a yellowy-white stain in the crotch of your panties? Is the nature of this discharge smegmatic? Furthermore, why can’t I remember yesterday from my left nipples perspective?


I like to use the a protective layer of newspaper comics between my vagina and panties. This has the dual affect of keeping my panties clean while making the comic Cathy interesting to guys. Smegma doesn’t seem to be the problem. I burn all naturally occurring lubricants up in a foggy haze of vegetable insertion while drinking Robitussin/Formula 409 cocktails. Finally, your left nipple has no perspective, it is merely a sycophant of your superfluous nipple and only sees what it sees. If you flog it with beef sticks hourly you may break its right nipple dependence or it may do to you what it did to Bob Seger. Its hard to predict. Not the nipple, the outcome.


Joshua Hansen- Is it possible to have three-dimensional self-correcting quantum memory, and do you feel as if you’ve gained personal mastery of the Val Salva maneuver, and if so, do you feel like this mastery has had a positive effect on your Peyronie’s disease?


Memory is not possible. What we call memory is just a series of fabricated ideas of the past that justify and validate our present predicaments. They say hindsight is twenty/twenty, but mostly they are blind fools calling the voids in their perception truth. I have not even attempted to master the maneuver as it makes for better television to Barney Fife my way through it. Finally, the first rule of Peyronie’s disease is you don’t talk about Peyronie’s disease. That’s all I can’t say about that.


Joshua Hansen- Would you explain the peculiar aftertaste caused by Ronnie Corbett’s penis in purely chemical terms, and if you could choose one Kenny Loggins song to play at your funeral, which would you choose? (no ‘footloose’ or ‘danger zone’)


In purely chemical terms it tastes like all of the noble gases bonded to an irregular double hydrogen molecule. With a hint of aluminum phosphate and cheese. The last question is easy, my all time favorite Kenny Loggins song is Kenny Rogers. But I wouldn’t pick that song. I would probably go with that one about wearing my sunglasses at night. Because I’m a Top Gun, funbunny.


Joshua Hansen- Thank you, and have a pickle-dick painting…



Interviewed by Ryan Ackerman October 2012


Ryan Ackerman- If you had to suck a guys dick, I mean HAD TO, who would it be and why?


I would have to ascertain the two most evil men on earth and then pick the lesser of them so I could reward him for being the second worst choice.


Ryan Ackerman- Assuming that rising to the top of a political party makes you one of the two most evil men on earth, who’s dick would you be sucking this 2012 and why?


Romney. His evil is only hypothetical at this point. Potential to play a more evil politician on the tv doesn’t equal actual evil committed.


Ryan Ackerman- Do you think he’ll be very conflicted with you going down on him? Would you at least wear a wig and let him call you wife #2?


If he would prefer me to wear the wig over the magic underwear I would compromise. But he would have to call me wife #5 and go easy on me and my gag reflex so I didn’t pentabarf on his magic undies. I am pretty sure its not gay if those are still on, so no conflict.


Ryan Ackerman- Other than being forced to deep throat, how do you view any president’s actual impact on you? Do you feel that any president actually effects your day to day life? If they do how do they effect you and what steps do you take to deal with that effect?


At this point I do not feel the president has any affect at all. The major parties are just puppets of banker agendas. So the president himself under this system has not actual impact except as a symbol that impacts the political dialogue that I have to try to work around to have a logical discussion about our failed system.


I mean, what if Romney was elected president and didn’t live up to his promise to legishate women, warmonger and ignore our coming economaclypse? Of course we know that would not happen, because its not in the elite agenda; but a democrat can break all of their promises and do more harm but we never consider it could possibly work in reverse. And that says a lot.


Ryan Ackerman- With that in mind will you vote? Do you feel that a vote for who you want is better than not voting at all, and why?


I will vote, although strong arguments can be made for non-participation. But we are too close to the edge for that right now, methinks. I will vote not only with and for my conscience but also to build momentum for ideas and help pave the way for a more informed and courageous citizenry. Of course, it may be too late for that, as well. So I will probably just vote to be able to scream I TOLD YOU SO!


Ryan Ackerman- Thank you for this excellent discourse.



Interviewed by Candace Kelly October 2012


Candace- Why do you think that humans bully each other?


I do not think that there is a singular reason.


One reason would be that the alpha trait still exists in our evolutionary nature and bullying is just an expression of that archaic function.


But most bullying is more likely caused be people who have …See More


Candace- You mentioned taking men out of the hunt… do you think that it is possible that this need for power and/or destruction is something that can be bred out of men as a species, or is this behavior so hard wired that it will be a permanent fixture in our society?


I think that human beings evolved this far without awareness of their evolution and how their activity contributed to it. I think that in order to evolve further we must do it through self-awareness and a methodology that examines how we want to evolve…See More


Candace- Evolution of a species is a tall order, even for man. What changes would you make to the education system to speed this process along?


The current educational paradigms are so corrupt that they cannot be changed to produce a positive outcome. This is an inherent problem within the systems and structures they reside within. The modern education system was designed specifically to contr…See More


Candace- Thank you, sir. Have a shpadoinkle day!



Interviewed by Sara North October 2012


Sara- If there is one character in Alice in Wonderland (book or movie) that you identify with, who would it be?


Well, it may sound to cliche but that would be Alice. Alice was an archetype of human curiosity and the depths we will often go to satiate it. Modern social structures work well to either kill this curiosity through fear and conditioning or redirect them to some activity that validates and perpetuates the institutions within those social structures.


Sara- So are you saying you can identify with a feminine perspective?


Not as much as I would like to. Although I do try as much as possible. I have a lot of work to go. But this is one of the most fascinating parts of our coexistence as distinct genders is being able to examine the internal via the external.


And that was so totally not an intercourse reference so let it go, Sara.


Sara- Do you believe in gender roles or physiological limitations?


I believe that evolution has certainly endowed us with gender-specific qualities that often lead to what we call gender roles. There are certainly some gender-specific roles or attributes that are socially constructed but to call gender itself a social construction denies the mechanisms of evolution. It is also contrary to what we can observe in other species, especially our fellow primates. There are obviously physiological limitations. For instance, men cannot give birth because our physiology is not equipped for that. And the male body has a higher amount of muscle per mass on average. That is not to say that a woman cannot be stronger than a man. Exercise could make most women stronger than most men. But the optimal limits suggest that the strongest man would be stronger than the strongest woman.


Sara- What are your thoughts on the statement “might, make right”?


That would depend on how we define ‘right’. In the traditional use of this term, ‘right’ is defined as the status quo rather than an agreed upon moral principle. As such, might cannot make right in the moral sense. Only consensus can do this. And when I say consensus I do not mean the democratic method of the tyranny or the majority. I mean voluntary societies held together by the consent of the individuals within them.


Sara- So if a group of people shared the common trait of cannibalism, and choose to live together, and voted it was ok to eat other towns or cities, but not their own neighbors, would this be morally right because they were voluntary societies held together by individual consent of the individual?


In my opinion, yes. And not because moral relativism, either. It is the responsibility of a voluntary society to defend itself and its own moral practices. No matter how amoral another society may be we cannot right that wrong through force, coercion or compulsion. You cannot right a wrong with another wrong and two wrongs do not make a right. It is inevitable that such freedom of association would create groups like you previously mentioned, those that produce an almost universally constant immoral value system. Hopefully by adopting a morally acceptable form of consensual societies we can evolve past these aberrant behaviors and ideologies and eventually live free of them, or at least mostly free of them with better solutions for dealing with them. In the meantime we must accept the kinds of people and societies that evolve naturally out of consensus even if we disagree with them. And if we cannot coexist without being endangered by them we must be courageous and fight them them at our own doors when they come knocking rather than breaking down every door and forcing the occupants to squeeze into our idea of the perfect home as an act of prevention that itself creates immoral activities.



Interviewed by Amy Hanson October 2012


Amy- What human failing are you least sympathetic to and why?


Blindness to authority. Mindless obedience. My main objection with it is that it creates conditions in which those lacking that weakness are caught in the cross fire. It seems to limit the choices of others more than any human quality I can think of. There are more followers than assholes. If we had less followers the assholes would not be such a problem.


Amy- What human failing are you most sympathetic to and why?


Empathy. While empathy can be a strength it can also be a failing when it is applied too liberally or without rationale. Good intentions pave the road to hell and all of that. Empathy in this way can lead to restrictions enacted for the ‘greater good’ that end up actually doing more harm than they resolve. But I am more sympathetic because empathy is also a necessary solution to many human problems. It just needs to be harnessed and applied with consent and not force, coercion or compulsion. When it does those last things it becomes authoritative and blindly obedient.


Amy- What is your chief characteristic?


Prankster. I identify with the prankster deities the most as well as other forms of pranksterism like internet trolls, comedians and whatnot. Shamanism is mostly pranksterism. Often the best sort of lessons come with humor and even some honest trickery. I suppose it does alienate me from some people but those are the people less likely to be swayed by my shamanism, so it is a fair trade.



Amy- I think everyone can agree that you are a prankster. Thanks, Joshua. Have a bomb ass night, yo! 🙂


Its pretty unanimous, fo sho. Thank you, Amy and have a wicked dope ass night, girl. 🙂




Interviewed by Trey Webb November 2012


Trey- As an author in what order of importance do you put the following: Environmental descriptions, character development and plot.


Also what writing styles and/or authors would you say have been the most influential in your own personal development?



Of those three I put them in the following order- Character development, plot and then environmental descriptions.


I do not really write a lot of environmental descriptions unless it seems the only way to put the characters or plot in context. I am not a fan of some of the ‘classic’ literary forms which ramble on with descriptors that do not seem to serve the characters or plot but are just for color or imagery. I don’t think that is really necessary in modern literature. Media has trained us to fill in those kind of blanks. We understand the world and even far away places from all of the media absorption and so we do not need descriptive dialogue. Since I always begin a story from a basic situation, usually involving characters, I find having strong characters as the most important element and then the plot evolves from the kind of personality that their character has. Just like in real life, people react differently to identical situations. So when the character gets in those situations they should make sense in the context of the character. So I usually even use plot to develop the character.


I consider theme above all of these. Theme is central to nearly every story. Whether that is just a gimmick that I want to exploit (usually for humor purposes) or some kind of political or existential idea. I consider most of what I write to be allegorical. Parables and parodies.




Trey- With character development being centric to your writings; What proportion of your stories would be something creative coming to you out of nowhere vs. you sitting down and crafting a character you had not yet thought of?



I don’t think I have ever written a character that was not in some way not based on myself. I always start with something within my own experiences, ideas and archetypes and then try to vary them enough from there to make them more interesting to myself and the reader. Not that I am not interesting enough as it is, but part of the writing process is exploration and all exploration should lead back to self-discovery. Since I also tend to start stories from personal experiences, dreams or jokes I don’t think they are ever from nowhere or unthought. They probably have existed for some time in at least an archetypal form.


Also, I forgot to answer the second part of your last question. Douglas Adams was the biggest inspiration to me. Reading Hitchhikers Guide made me realize the potential to use humor and speculation to craft parables and parodies. I think that science fiction when combined with humor is always the thing that inspires me the most. Christopher Moore and Tom Robbins were also pretty big influences as well as Mark Twain and Kerry Thornley.



Trey- In your writings, is there sometimes hidden meanings or metaphorical story lines readers should pay attention to?


If you write the characters based partly on your own self introspective, what would you say the plots themselves are based on, or maybe that ties into the first question?



Joshua Scott Hotchkin Well, there are always very specific things that I embed into the stories. Specific themes and lessons and whatnot. But I also know that all of that will be perceived differently to every reader, so I try to just bury layers of my own personal meaning and understanding in them so that in the act of interpretations the reader can also find layers of their own within.


The plots are generally just based on the necessity of the themes and character. Or leading up to a punchline. I dont really put any forethought into them. I just start writing and follow each word with another. My instincts usually work to satisfy myself with what comes from that method.



Trey- What would you find more personally satisfying: 1) A successful author, who lives successfully and comfortably off licensing and royalties. With a million fans. or 2) A successful author who’s work is pirated by everyone, who lives and scrapes by with the lifestyle of a starving artist, with a billion fans.


I am dragging you into the I.P. realm and putting you on the spot!



I need a qualifier. Is the writer still writing what they want to and enjoying it in both cases?



Trey- I will say yes for both cases.. I will also ask, would you write stuff you despised for wealth if it took all of your time, leaving little time for what you “want” to write?



I would rather be successful. I don’t think there is anything wrong with being comfortable for doing what you love most. I don’t understand selling out, unless it means the artist changed to make money.


I would certainly take writing jobs that were not fulfilling as my own ideas in order to gain enough success to earn artistic freedom. But I could not and would not write something I absolutely hated for money while destroying my own creative output. Writing is almost a compulsion to rid myself of that creativity. I must obey that urge.



Trey- (Scenario) I am going to pay you generously to write an Epic Trilogy, but I want the main character description and plot description right this moment.. Go!



A young Amish man joins anarchists in a post zombie-apocalypse scenario. In a world that has survived zombies and has even given the surviving ones rights a moral component tries to disrupt the left vs. right paradigm that keeps the zombies alive in order to control humanity. The do-gooders and the highly religious come off as the most ridiculous while our Amish character comes to terms with what his own beliefs mean in this new world.



Trey- In closing, and in regards to a topic I know you enjoy: What advise would you give parents who would like to prod their child’s interest in writing or perhaps nurture an existing interest, to develop their understanding of creativity or help their creative process? Help us shape young minds here Joshua.



Replace punishment with creative activity from a very young age. If you can teach children to use their creativity to deal with the issues that make them act out, but in a positive way instead, they will become both better writers and better people. I think the time is coming where creativity is everything and punishment is obsolete and that these new paradigms are inextricably going to be connected if we are to get there.



Trey- Thanks Josh for some very awesome insight into the mind of a great up and coming writer.. I hope you are discovered while you are still alive and not like some of those artists who are instantly self made soon as the dirt hits the coffin!



Interviewed by David Metcalf November 2012


David- If you could reinvent modern public education from scratch, which three core concepts would you want it to have, and how would they influence the daily direction of such a system?



Philosophy, independence and critical thinking.


A philosophy is necessary to be developed first and foremost. It is the basis of all education. From Philosophy stems why we learn and what we learn. By having first precepts or principles we can instill purpose and context into the content of learning. Philosophy is the foundation for education.


Independence is key to learning. Not every child needs to learn the same things at the same pace at the same time. What a child decides is important to learn should help them develop their own personal interests and goals based off of their philosophy. Disciplines like reading, writing, math, history, science and the arts are only tools to reach an individuals overall goal and should not be put in importance above the reason the individual chooses to use them. In order to do this we would have to rethink the ideas of classroom and teacher and instead opt for a solution that taught individuals independently rather than groups as the same.


The most important thing that an individual must learn is how to think for themselves. We must become adept not at answering things but at questioning them. We should not be testing students but giving students tools to test the world. Our education systems do not foster life long learning because the point of them is to condition students towards conformity. Once that goal is attained then learning becomes unnecessary. But the student who has learning as its own goal and is able to do so by challenging the assumptions they encounter will continue to learn and to helps humanity to progress.


David- To what extent is doubt–or lack of certainty–the basis for enriching a personal philosophy?



A personal philosophy should not be considered a destination but a journey. It should evolve with the individual in order to foster and represent personal growth. It should not be static but always changing in order to provide a more holistic and consistent worldview. New ideas, information and observation should act to move the individual forward. This is only possible when one is able to express doubt and uncertainty about their own assumptions and those they encounter. Without doubt and uncertainty we are led into the dead end of dogma and all growth of the individual and their core philosophy is stunted so long as they insist on absolutes and the infallibility of their ideas, sources and methods.



David- If you could go back in time to give a single piece of advice to your childhood self (in 2 minutes or less), what would it be?



This question assumes that there is something that I wish I could have avoided, something I could change or some experience that was unnecessary. I do not believe that any of that is true. I am happy to be who I am and every bit of the ride along the way contributed to that. I would not change anything so it seems absolutely unnecessary to go back and give myself any advice.


However I feel obliged to give you some kind of answer maybe I would go back and tell myself to start a savings account with a high interest rate so that when I came back to now I would have some cash waiting for me.




Interview- Carolyn

Interview with Carolyn Silvernail November 2012


I was born the eldest grandchild on both sides of the family as well as being the oldest sibling in my family. Looking back on that I can see how profoundly this shaped me in many ways. How do you think being and older sibling shaped you into the person you are today?



Well, I think being the oldest child is both a good and bad thing. I definitely think I’m more confident and sure of myself because of it. And I also tend to ‘look out’ for those who need looking out for, like I had to do with my sister growing up. I also hate when I see older kids picking on younger kids and I think that’s the ‘big sister’ in me reacting. But I also have a tendency to playfully tease people in my family (husband, sister) as well. Jason calls this ‘big sistering’. 😀 But this could be because I can be more of a kid than an adult at times. But yeah, I have no problem telling people what to do and at times I can come across as bossy, and I think that’s partly due to my birth order.



I think that I resented having a younger sibling at first and may have acted out on this by being vengeful to ease my own hurt at being knocked out of the top spot. With my brother I think that I can tell how this may have impacted him in many ways. Do you think that this is something that happens with all children and how do you suppose it effects younger siblings?



Yeah, I think that’s totally common. I resented having a younger sibling as well. I especially hated that she cried all night and kept me up. 😀 And of course we had EPIC fights growing up. I do think it affects younger siblings. Not being one, I would only be speculating, but I wonder if, as adults, they are drawn to people who have an older sibling mentality. Jason (my husband) and I are both older siblings, and we definitely relate in that way. Also, I still think of Amy as my ‘little’ sister. Of course I recognize that she has knowledge and insight into things that I don’t, but I have a tendency to default to the ‘older is wiser’ mentality.



In our culture age in general is a much greater focus than in others. We set all kinds of arbitrary age limits that fail to view people as individuals or the sum of their experiences and actions. It seems to me that by doing so we have extended the age of childhood far past its evolutionary function. Can you see any of the effects of extending the culturally applied label of youth in modern society?



I think there is a difference between biological and intellectual maturity. Of course biologically, we can begin reproducing at a relatively young age. And this makes sense in evolutionary terms. But Intellectually, our frontal lobe doesn’t fully develop until we reach our early to mid 20s. So decision making, critical thinking skills, social responses, etc, are at a disadvantage. With this in mind, I can absolutely understand treating young 20-somethings as ‘almost adults’. This doesn’t mean I support the infantilization (is that a word?), of our youth. I think lots of kids are raised thinking: -‘you’re a star!-, -you can do anything!-, -the world owes you success!- and it does nothing but cripple them. We see this a lot in the military for example. Kids coming in and absolutely falling apart at the first negative obstacle they encounter. In fact, the Army has ‘resiliency’ programs to deal with just these problems. And I do think these problems result from parents (and probably schools) shielding their children from adult responsibilities.



Thank you, ma’am. Have a shpadoinkle day!



Interview- Amy

Interview with Amy Hanson November 2012

Although I have a much firmer grasp of the English language and it’s usage than the average person, I am not very proficient at learning new languages. I have met other writers who were the same way. I think this is because sometimes creativity and technical knowledge can be at odds. Can you think of any other disadvantages at that may come with having more language skills than the average person?



I think studying a foreign language in the right way or with the right spirit isn’t limiting at all. I think there’s not only room for creativity and technical knowledge, but that the two must be synchronized if one is to reach proficiency goals and find the experience personally rewarding. The problem is that there is a lot of technical information to deal with and memorize, and sometimes there’s not such a great creative solution to going about doing this. But when that happens, I think one can still view this “drill and kill” problem with some creative detachment to lessen the frustration and focus on the payoff. Yes, there’s plenty of rote memorization and repetition that goes into learning a new language, but repeating something useful can be looked at as a kind of magical spell or mantra. We can be aware of and appreciate how the repetition increases the power of a thought or a skill and eventually manifests a new reality in which we can think and speak in totally new ways.



Do you think a person who is poor at language can be as creatively valid as someone who has above average language skills? Why or why not? Examples?



Yes, I think language skills are just one of countless ways to be creatively valid. I also think that being poor at language vs. good at language isn’t the most useful way of looking at things. I have students who find learning a language super difficult and still stubbornly trudge along and make the progress they are able to make. I find that kind of progress so inspiring and cool. Much more so than students who come in wired for it and don’t appreciate that or make much effort. The progress they make, if any, doesn’t usually impress me. I also think that it’s useful to try something and fail and deal with that. I think that failure should be not only be okay, but valued as an important learning experience in academics and in life in general.



How do you think our academic systems fail to respond in this difference in abilities and emphasis on creativity?



Oh, many ways. I’m not an expert on that and I’m sure I’ve got some prejudices that keep me from seeing it clearly. But I think the main problem might be that academic systems can make people think of learning as something that only happens in a classroom and by force. Education needs to be meaningful first of all and then this problem of abilities and creativity is resolved, along with other problems. I think John Dewey’s philosophy on education is totally right. The idea that teachers must access students’ lived experience to make learning meaningful and to inspire them to use it in their daily lives really speaks to me. Education has to be fully integrated in order to matter, and academic systems typically and historically aren’t able to do this with much success. But individual teachers have always and continue to do it everywhere and all the time, and this still inspires me. Another problem is our values as a culture. For some reason we rate abstract academic skills as better, more creative, and more respectable than we do concrete skills. I think that’s a huge mistake. It filters everyone though the same program, rewarding those who happen to be good at it and punishing those who aren’t. And those who aren’t don’t have the encouragement to value or think about, much less pursue, their own talents and interests, which are just as creatively valid and worthwhile, if not more so in many cases.



Thank you, ma’am. Have a shpadoinkle day!



You’re welcome, Joshua! You too! 🙂


Interview- David

Interview with David Metcalf November 2012


Explain how pantheism informs your own ideas about politics, art and science. Are there central pantheistic concepts you hold which make your other principles consistent with pantheism and one another? What are they and how?



Pantheism guides my beliefs about the world, certainly. But the chief component that guides my regard for Pantheism is the multiverse.


The first cause argument does not support any concept of religion, for me. But it does support the argument for Pantheism. I believe that there was once a singularity in the moment before the first manifestation of the universe. At this moment, before the first Big Bang, the only thing that could exist was the concept. Metaphysical truths that are not bound to matter were all that existed. Saying that these essential concepts/truths were “God” is simply a semantic choice.


I still am working on deciphering any truth that could exist outside the existence of matter itself, but I believe that these truths may yet exist. This informs my belief in Pantheism that a higher form is bound into the stuff of the universe. Chaim Potok’s _The Chosen_ begins with the line: God is everything that he is, and is also everything that he _is not_. I find this a good description of Pantheism: God is bound into the fabric of the cosmos, but yet also represents that which _is not_ the cosmos.


Although the first Big Bang event (of which there may be thousands or perhaps nearly infinite) may have destroyed this singularity in the process (Pandeism), I suspect that some greater process still exists in the multiverse.


I believe the multiverse is what allows for Free Will, such as it is. I believe that, in Life, the universe finds its meaning. Consciousness is the vehicle with which the cosmos understands itself. All life is valuable because it animates the inorganic matter of the universe. Humans ought to place themselves as no more or less valuable than any other life-form, and certainly as merely equal to those we share our planet with. Life ought to be valued simply because it is rare. As Einstein said, humans will not know peace until they extend their circle of compassion to all living things.


To me, politics as they exist today are entirely too narrow. They gravitate towards a Judeo-Christian beliefs in humans as entitled to exploit the planet. Genesis commands mankind to view nature as his possession. Man is to exploit nature to his own will with absolute disregard for the consequences to other life forms. This is what makes Christianity abhorrent, its total disregard for our fellow creatures: our presumption of superiority over other life-forms of the planet. Christianity also informs society’s basic presumptions about the ideology of progress. This notion of progress ought to be weighed against our cultural achievements, which are still primitive if we cannot transcend geopolitical divisions and recognize the necessity to unite to preserve our existence as a species.


As a writer, I view myself as on the journey to describe the clearest truths as I know them. The multiverse will find some version of myself that accomplishes this task. I only seek to edify others through my writing and leave something greater than myself behind in my work. I would rather make my mark on human thought than live purely for my own self-interest. I desire to help unravel the grip of selfishness and ignorance on humankind. Hopefully, I will one day be able to publish something that can have the same impact on society that Rachel Carson achieved with _Silent Spring_. Her example demonstrates that books can change the world, and I feel that my writing is the greatest talent I possess with which to attempt to create a better world for others.


As for science, science is best tempered with wisdom and an open-mind. Science attempts to describe reality with something approaching our best theories about it. It will change with time, but should be appreciated as a facet of knowledge that balances mere intuition about the universe. Science informs us to have healthy skepticism for our own beliefs, but not to let those beliefs become dogma. Science should not create its own dogma, but should be incorporated into the basic position of doubt about ultimate truth and reality.



I will add an addendum that my answer to the “art” part of the question was handled as my possible contribution to art in my writing. Evaluating others’ art is similar to my standards for myself: the ability to advance the knowledge/and wisdom of humankind through its expression.



What are some examples of art that you feel express your abstract connection to pantheism in a few different mediums?



In literature, works like _A Wrinkle in Time_ and _The Dark Tower_ series deal with abstract concepts of the universe like space, the multiverse, an inter-connectivity. The idea that everything is intimately bound up in everything else (described by quantum entanglement) is a weighty concept that some popular fiction deals with. Since I feel that Pantheism is almost inseparable from the multiverse concept, any story that integrates multiverse reality is also associated with Pantheism for me. _Sliders_ is an excellent example of a TV show which is based almost exclusively on the multiverse. _Déjà vu_ with Denzel Washington brilliantly incorporates splintering reality on film. _The Last Question_ by Isaac Asimov is an excellent short that deals with a single iteration of a universe populated with humans. It would be an excellent short story for anyone interested in the concept of the singularity before the first expression of the universe.


Fractal art also has an aspect of multiverse/universe perspectives in it. The fractal concept is becoming a popular way of understanding how the micro to macro scale unfold as we enlarge our perspective from the atom to the cell to the body to the solar system and cosmos. Because the concept of space is both infinitely small and perhaps infinitely large, the fractal concept is a way of understanding the transition from small to large scale in the universe.


Outside of film and literature, I’m at a loss to think of abstract art that integrates Pantheism as a concept. _Old Souls_ by Tom Schroeder is an excellent example of non-fiction literature that attempts to scientifically deal with evidence for life after death in the form of reincarnation. If humans can be said to have the spark of consciousness within them, it may be argued that this consciousness is derived from a greater whole of the universe. The defense of such a belief involves pantheism, and reincarnation fits into this system adequately. Reincarnation also refutes the idea of some eternal punishment such as Hell (perhaps the most barbaric concept from Christianity). _Old Souls_ is a must-read for anyone interested in challenging their own beliefs about how life and consciousness work.


Life itself is a kind of art. Choosing a path for yourself involves the elimination of various possibilities into a single path. As all possible realities exist in the multiverse, our task is to walk the road in which we find the greatest meaning and purpose to our lives. Achievement of a personally chosen goal is not necessarily probable, but if it is possible then the path to it can be accomplished through enough effort and sacrifice. The multiverse accounts for all possibilities. It is intimately bound to free-will and philosophy, as all of a person’s possible choices are bound to all of everyone else’s possible choices in an endless field of possibilities. I sometimes wonder about the choices that bind me in the universe populated by other human beings who make their own choices. I speculate that even in having a conversation with another person, there may be parts of us that will find existence in realities other than my own.



Consider then the Ax Paradox which goes something like this- Is an ax that has had all of it’s parts replaced at different moments over time still the same ax? If an individual is constantly splintering off into an infinite of possibilities is there really any basis for individuality to exist? What then is our experience relative to the whole?



This is also known as the used car paradox, where the mechanic eventually replaces every part of his car, but then builds a replica car with all the original parts, and thus has two cars where once he only had one.


Let’s focus on how this relates to splintering reality on individual consciousness. I do believe individuality still exists in a splintering reality, because the splintering parallel universes are merely the mechanism by which intelligent beings are presented with the choice of which reality to occupy. Life essentially becomes a kind of hologram where all possible choices and the choices of others become integrated into the possible realities.


The idea that I may be on a path to several sister universes occupied by the various choices I impacts my decision making process. But in the common sense view, it does not always matter. The choice to complete my papers for grad school is a sensible one, although it helps to be aware that I could blow them off, and thus makes writing them feel more like a choice instead something being forced upon me. Working menial jobs has been viewed the same way, I may have a limited choice in whether to go to work, but the fact that I could simply accept the consequences of not earning money (perhaps becoming a freegan and changing my relationship to comfort), at least makes it seem more like a choice.


Is someone still an individual despite the endless copies of himself in nearly infinite parallel realities? Yes. There is something meaningful in whichever probable universe one finds oneself in. Each reality represents a series of choices and the blind happenstance that shape our lives. Awareness of parallel realities allows someone to acknowledge that any goal is achievable if they accept the effort that it takes to realize that goal. If it is at all possible for me to write an entertaining and insightful non-fiction work that someone will publish, then I choose to create that reality by accepting the tasks necessary to achieve this. It will probably require a period of poverty, a struggle to make ends meet before I publish, and not being complacent to use my free time entirely as I wish, but if I accept these things, then maybe I will shape my own reality enough to end up in that possible universe through volition. Awareness of your options broadens your volition.


My fractured consciousness over sister universes may be deeply bound into the experience of consciousness itself. Somewhere–perhaps distant, perhaps not–there may be versions of myself very similar to my present circumstances. And there are probably infinitely more copies of myself that are completely different, or even non-existent. All of this is merely the mechanism of the cosmos which enables full choice at any given moment. It’s been compared to a kind of video game which can understand any action you may perform in the game world. Life will react to any choice or action that you may take. But the higher level of being is _creating_ the life that you wish to experience through awareness instead of simply _reacting_ to life.


No one can tell you who you are. You must decide that yourself. Publilius Syrus said that “It matters not what you are thought to be, only what you _are_.”


I may depend on my friendships and family for my social well-being, but I know that my identity is entirely mine to choose. I see that the meaning of life is to choose the self that you find most meaningful. This also means choosing your path in a world which wants you to conform to its own dogmas. You always have a choice in the matter. You simply come to terms with the consequences of exacting your choice in the face of an unfriendly world.



Thank you sir, have a shpadoinkle day!


Interview- Trey

Interview with Trey Webb November 2012

As a fanboy of technology, yet someone not unaware of it’s possible dangers to humanity, what do you think is the most important thing we should be actively doing to prevent a technological-based catastrophe that we are not already doing, how and why?



I may not be the best “Fan Boy” per-say, as my television is CRT, my PCs are salvaged and I do not spend money on the latest gadgets. I do find amusement in manipulating it and I find it quite amazing the more it is unlocked.


The biggest risk I see is that it is becoming an extension of our natural intelligence. I am seeing people in general actually absorbing knowledge less and less, and becoming more reliant of technology. How many people remember addresses or phone numbers anymore? How many kids nowadays graduate high school and can count change in their head? Industry is a huge culprit, a massive enough solar flare in today’s age would cause food disruptions, energy disruptions and general wide spread panic. That same flare 50 years ago, not so much. That is how exponentially fast technology progresses and ingrains its selves into our daily lives.


The two biggest things I think people should consider: 1) Learn things before using the shortcuts, like basic math and memorization. Keep your mind sharp. 2) Design vital infrastructure with known cosmic events in mind.


The newer generation that is up and coming, born with a smart phone in their hand and the power of Google at their fingertips their whole life, may have a very hard time functioning without them. They may be in for a rude awakening with the right sequence of events.



So you do not believe there should be a moral approach or something ingrained in our values? You think an individual approach combined with emergency planning is enough to safeguard us against all possible problems that could arise?



Its not that I do not think that, but I think that is probably futile at this point. The wheel is in motion, technology will make us or break us. As a species we are drawn to the light of luminescent screens much like insects. It is quite possibly just the evolution of becoming a highly advanced species. The obsessiveness could be a phase, or maybe not. I can simply go into speculation land and try to guess what will happen.. If anything, I hope we innovate our way out of our current finite resource “sink” Technology creates efficiency, but what is it we are actually making efficient? The efficient extraction and consumption of resources that we have no way of guaranteeing long term viability.


With that being said, in a century or two we might once again be cavemen, or we might be a highly advanced techno-communist society, such as depicted by Gene Roddenberry. Unlocking the power to reassemble molecules, on top of unlocking potentially unlimited energy resources should make the market system defunked.



In that transaction some very important aspects of humanity as we understand them would have to be lost. What do you think that technology will wrestle from our humanity that you personally think will be the biggest lost, or you would be saddest to see go even though you are sure it will of necessity?



Trey Webb I think that question can be a double edged sword. People are loosing touch with nature due to technology since industrialization. People are loosing touch with family because the entertainment value of technology takes too much of their time. What really is entertainment? Its the passing of hours out of your life that you will never get back. So much technology these days with “personal devices” absorbs a single person from their world.. Where as early technology like television, brought families together in the same room for mutual enjoyment. Person-ability is being lost.. I imagine a lot of high school parties nowadays may just be kids sitting in a room texting each other being silly. Gathering up the courage to walk up to that girl you had a crush on and ask her to the dance, is a lost rite.. Now you simply have to type a message and hit send.. These are traditional values and what we get in trade may be greater.. It all depends if we were meant to live a single life span as a species in tune with the natural primitive world and having great satisfaction in that, then bleeping out of existence.. Or perhaps we are meant to chase the fountain of youth and become a universal omnipotent force..



As cheesy as it may be, the Movie “Surrogates” is a great example for what may be in store.. The loss of person-ability is the saddest loss to me, to answer your question.. Its not a loss to future generations who never had it to begin with. They may not choose their leaders on looks and speeches.. but words and ideas.



Do you think technology will be a greater asset or detriment to evolution of our conscious and the forms it takes? Could it make ours obsolete or will it push it to the next level? What do YOU think?



I think the process of life is constant evolution, so I think ultimately if we make it through the development phase safely it will be an asset, as it allows for utopia with machines as the necessary Morlocks. I think at that point it will push our consciousness to the next level, perhaps the other 66% of our brains are simply waiting for this moment. This is my own personal prediction and thoughts.



You think evolution occurs in the brain (hardware) rather than in the more abstract mind (software)? Does this put limits on our potential? If we do have a spiritual or metaphysical component of existence, could machinery also gain this from developing first a material based consciousness?



My gut tells me that our minds are fully developed, the evolution of the “hardware” processing capabilities of our brains may bring the mind into plainer view.. I don’t think it limits our potential, but to put it in simpler geek terms.. The operating system of the future has higher hardware prerequisites than our brain is able to handle.. so we are stuck in single threaded, single core, low RAM environments.. Evolution or innovation will allow us to reach our full potential!



In conclusion, what do you see as our best option- To integrate our biology with technology or to compete against technology in order to evolve?



I don’t have an opinion on that one as far as what I think is best. I say play the hand we are dealt, let the natural order as it exists decide including the market and hope for the best. You loose an arm? Buy an arm.. Cybernetics make it mainstream and benefits you in the current moment, time to get retrofitted.. Go with the flow is all we can do. That is evolution.



Thank you for the enlightening romp through speculation of our future, Trey. Have a rockalicious night!


Interview- Cassie (& Trey)

Interview with Cassie Webb October 2012


I never take ‘conspiracy theories’ with total disbelief, but I do always distrust the government because this seems like a more rational skepticism. What are some conspiracy theories that you find absolutely unbelievable and some things you absolutely believe that the government says?


Cassie- Some of the conspiracy theories I DO NOT believe is all the crazy reptilian alien/ dimensional being hype that’s spewed by David Ike and his followers. I believe little of what the government says, except as time goes on the government is “going hot” and admitting to more and more of the BS they are pulling over on US Citizens, They feel they have conditioned us enough that it’s time they can openly talk about some of these issues that have up till now been deemed as “conspiracy theories”. I will try to explain what I believe is really going on- We are under a New World Order take over, so many things going on from the weather (bio-engineering) to the wars and economy (political/social engineering) is all a part of the puzzle being put in place by those who support the NWO. The NWO is ran by a select few aka the Illuminati, mainly members of the Builderberg Group, People with “Elite Bloodlines” and the Elite Wealthy…such as the Rothchilds, Corporations and the super Elite and foundations such as The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, and Monsanto are all in bed together doing their part to bring all the puzzle pieces together. The ultimate goal is population reduction and turning the last of the population into slaves to the NWO. I will explain into further detail–


Cassie- Monsanto is a bio-engineering corporation creating genetically modified organisms, everything from corn to soy, all mainline crops. They can be bio-engineered to be drought resistant, resistant to soils with bad PH levels, ect. They are also terminator seeds, meaning you plant the seeds, the plant grows, and any seeds made by that crop are sterile, leading to having to buy more seeds from Monsanto. They are also contagious through pollination, if the GMO crops are too close to Non GMO crops, Through cross pollination the GMO crops will take over the non GMO and turn those plants into terminator plants as well. THIS IS WHERE CHEM TRAILS COME IN. Chem trails are a type of Bio-engineering containing aluminum dioxide, barium, lead, and other heavy metals. After sprayed into the air, in about 3-6 hours the particles fall down onto us, into our air we’re breathing, onto the crops we’re eating, and into our water supplies. These heavy metal particles get into the soil and change the PH level to the point only Montanto seeds will flourish when grown in the soil. It’s my belief and other’s belief that Monsanto is IN PART responsible for the Chem Trailing. The chem trails are also a handy tool in “Soft kill” meaning a slow kill, for population reduction, Aluminum and heavy metals get into humans and store in areas of the brain causing everything from Autism to Alzheimers.


Cassie- To get into social and political engineering, Our economy is purposely being stomped into the ground for the purpose of complete economic collapse…Why would this benefit any of these NWO people?? Once the economic collapse happens, People will be broke and hungry, looting will happen, it will be chaos…People will demand the “GOVERNMENT AND MILITARY DOES SOMETHING TO HELP!” That’s where the FEMA Camp facilities come in, this is where Posse Comitatus comes in, this is where NDAA comes in. All these people needing help will be shipped into these FEMA Camps, all others will be forceably rounded up/shot by the military (posse comitatus), and once all these people are in the FEMA camps, through NDAA they can all be kept there as prisioners indefinately…doing labor work or whatever they are told to do, for slave wages or no wages. VIOLA! Instant slaves! This is why Veterans and “Preppers” are considered terror threats, and our troops are currently being trained on why these people are bad and how to take them out. The Preppers will not need Fema/government help, which pisses them off, they want everyone put in the camps, and the Veterans will fight on the side of the citizens and not the government. This also ties into Agenda 21… Once the population is put into these Fema Camps / Living Facilities, it will turn into “People Zones” and “Nature Zones”… Just like on the movie the “Hunger Games”…. Agenda 21 is all about population control and keeping populaton centers confined, earth and environment over human life


What would be the ultimate goal of these conspirators, then?
Enter Trey, Cassie’s husband. He is unaware that he has just interrupted an interview but I decided to keep his dialogue intact.


Trey- I believe conspiracies like Rogue elements of CIA or State Dept. Fundraising for blackops on the black market. They can plan assanations and do experiments. I think the CIA also uses talk radio lik we Alex Jones for mind control experiments. I believe they were involved in Jonestown too.. See the corellation?? Jim Jones amd Alex Jones are related and have thousands of people ready to move to South America to avoid the boogieman. Mind control.experimentation is what I believe in, call me crazy..


Cassie- Population reduction = easy control of the remainder of the population = ultimate goal is total control. Only thing these people like more than money is control


Cassie- See, Trey thinks I’m a nut, and anytime I start talking about it all he brings up Alex Jones…. lol…..


Trey- This is your discussion! I was putting in my two sense. I do believe.what I said, not a joke. Ive been reading into this stuff since before it was cool. I kind of dislike.Alex because he had a good thing going and turned sensational.. Whatever anyone believes, just do real independent research based on fact, never put too much faith into talking heads, “articles” or statistical studies.


Cassie- We’re being forced into a police state, into total technocratic tyrannical governance. With so many constitutional rights being stomped on, with things going on like the TSA and all the illegal things they’re doing like groping people, it’s all being done to condition the public, and it will all keep getting more ridiculous slowly over time until the general population thinks it’s just business as usual. Same thing happened during the holocaust. The jews were conditioned to the point they would willingly dig their own trench, all line up, and get shot. Digging their own graves without a fight or even protest. They were conditioned to that point. Same thing is happening now.


Cassie- Ever heard of the Georgia Guidestones / American Stone Henge?? A lot of people believe members of the NWO Leadership had those put there, as the NWO new 10 commandments


Cassie- And just to touch on what you said Baby, Alex Jones routinely says that there’s really no place you can move to escape the NWO, He’s never really promoted moving out of the US, he talks about it and then follows up with it doesn’t matter where you move to, NWO is world wide


Cassie- And I don’t believe everything I hear on talk radio, or on youtube…. I’m not a gullible person, and I have done independent research into all these issues


Trey- Just to show how ineffective beauocracy is look up public data on global life expectancy slowly increasing the last 100 years. Their soft kill is not working.


Cassie- You don’t think? You should look up the stats on cancer rates and other serious conditions, including genetic conditions. We’ve become a country of fat pigs rolling in chemicals and scarfing down GMOs containing pesticides


Oh no, my interview devolved into a spouse fight! Just to warn you, I am going to use this like it is.


Final question- What is the most important tool in a marriage to solve basic ideological differences?


Cassie- lol!!! This was in no way a spouse fight, or even a disagreement really. There’s tons of things Trey and I don’t see eye to eye on… Anytime Trey and I have a MAJOR issue, we do what a lot of other people in relationships don’t do… We sit down and really talk it out, and delve into the psychological mechanics of why I think this, and why he thinks that, and typically in the end we don’t have to agree, as long as we understand where the other person is coming from on their view. I didn’t realize this was your interview question either… I just thought you sent me the wall post to ask me about conspiracy theories because you were curious! HA!! I totally forgot about the whole “Like” your status and you would send a question thing… how funny


Trey- We dont solve idealogical differencez Josh, we just let them be. No matter what happens I will still go visit Cassie when they relocate her to FEMA camp.


Thank you, ma’am. Have a shpadoinkle night!


Cassie- Pfff!!! Very funny ROBERT (Trey)! Have a terrific evening Mr. Hotchkin!


Will probably publish this in the next bunch on Monday. Feel free to interview me back if you so desire.


Cassie- Oh crap…. you’re going to publish this?? People are going to think I’m a NUT. lol


Cassie- But- It’s the truth, so go ahead, Maybe it will inspire some people to do research on it and wake up to what’s going on, either that, or they will just think i’m nuts, guess I don’t care either way!


The only people who read me are total screwballs. Don’t worry.


Interview- Rusti

Interview with Rusti Morgan October 2012


What is the most important thing to never forget about tacos?


Rusti- The ingredients.


What are the key ingredients for evolving a peaceful society?


Rusti- Compassion without judgement, mutual respect, communication, consistency(while teaching) a good follow through when giving either punishment or reward, constructive critique.


Given that we do not seem to be working towards a peaceful society, how much longer do you think we can avoid a major catastrophe on the current path and where do you see the greatest dangers to humanity in the near future?


Rusti- Have we not hit A wall yet? I don’t know. I feel, overwhelmingly, that most sapiens are inconsiderate puppets… Yet, every day I witness true kindness, gratitude, humanity… They give me hope.. Some people just need to witness or have an altering moment before they realize they can make a difference.


Thank you, ma’am. Have a shpadoinkle day!


Interview- Eric

Interview with Eric C. Smith October 2012


If you absolutely had to commit either necrophilia or bestiality, which would you choose? Explain why.


Eric- If I had to commit one or the other, it would have to be necrophilia. However I am curious on the particular “level of decomposition” the body (definately female) would be in. Since you did not specify, I will just assume she is a “freshie”. Although no longer among the land of the living, there are lots of products on the market that will keep things properly “wet & slippery”. One could also even use heating pads or lamps to “warm” the body beforehand so that you are not bone-ing a fleshcicle. I hope this properly answers your quiz, but perhaps I have put a little too much thought & detail into my answer. Then again, that’s probably what you were looking for.


Say that you did not have to commit either but had to tell your grandmother the story of having done so none-the-less. Which would it be then and what would be the story?


Eric- I would tell the story to her verbatim. She would not understand what I meant & would forget about it by the next day at the latest. After all, you did say MY grandmother.


What is the ugliest, most hateful thing you have ever done?


Eric- Ugliest & most hateful, hmmmm…. Once when I was about 12, I poisoned my fish so that I could use the cleaned out aquarium to get 2 pet gerbils. That might qualify more as sick & twisted than ugly & hateful, but it was the first thing that came to mind.


Thank you, sir. Have a shpadoinkle day!


Interview- Don

Interview with Don Harrington October 2012


If the government were to use mass force against American citizens how many soldiers do you think would support the government and how many do you think would abandon or join citizen forces against the government at this point in time?


Don- Wow, that’s an excellent question. Are you watching Last Resort Thursdays at 8 (ET) on ABC? It’s asking a question very similar to that. I like to think that most members of the military would realize the illegality of the action and, at the very least, not participate.


I do not currently receive any television stations where I live and I am okay with that.

How about law enforcement agencies and other government agencies?

And what examples would you cite to support your opinion?


Don- Somehow, I’m not surprised. I like to think that any military or quasi-military organization would try to look at the lawfulness of the order before executing it. We take an oath to uphold any lawful order. Many will probably follow the order, at first, until they know what’s really happening. I can’t cite any examples, it’s just a feeling I have from having been in the military for 24 years.


History is ripe with all sorts of inhumane actions by men who were just following orders. When it is the highest imperative of an organization that the chain of the command always be followed it can become impossible to break the habit of obedience, especially when the changes occur slowly over time in such a gradual way that the consequences of ones actions are hardly noticed. These agencies also employ all types of people, some more or less susceptible to obedience or moral rebellion. Given such a conundrum with such high stakes, how could we assure that soldiers, police, etc. were prepared to recognize the need to disobey and act upon it?


Don- Unfortunately, Josh, we can’t. While those in military and paramilitary organizations are trained to follow orders, we aren’t totally mindless. And, we are still a part of the larger society, so we have many of the same kinds of people. How a particular individual or even a group of people will act in a given situation can’t be known until that situation occurs.


Thank you, sir. Have a shpadoinkle day!



Interview- Ryan: Part 2

Interview with Ryan Ackerman pt.2 October 2012

Ryan was concerned that I had let him off too easily in the last interview so I agreed to a second.


Are claims by scientists that Universe is a computer simulation or a 3D hologram scientific, even though there is no way to falsify or prove such a claim except through abstract theories and math (although not experimentally)? Why or why not?


Ryan- I have barely delved into metaphysics. So as an amateur I can only say that your question is confining. To start with, the way that we perceive color leads me to believe this theory is not as far fetched as it sounds. I have never been satisfied with the concept behind “I think, therefore I am” either. I do however have serious doubts about the involvement of a man made computer, or any computer as we know it. That does not rule out time travel and technologies way beyond our age (as we know it). But I think all math is like it’s interior sector or statistics. You can use it for any purpose and make it support almost anything. Once you reach the upper echelon of math, there really are very few people that you couldn’t fool into believing that your calculations are accurate and prove your theory.


But my gut instinct answer is that this claim by scientists is being misused or misunderstood, and is a minor minority segments view at that. That doesn’t say it’s wrong, but it does make me feel that the fact that I am not driven to seek the answer to the 3D hologram computer simulations is the right decision and frees me up for discourse and happy time that syncs with my life as I know it.


Do you find such claims harmful to the credibility of science? Should science therefore accept a coexistence with metaphysics and create a new language so that claims of both scientific and metaphysical natures can coexist and not violate the principles of science while still allowing it to branch out into the meaning and purpose of our existence?


Ryan- I don’t. I think science is realistic. Critics of science often talk about scientific dogma. I don’t think that really exists except when science is being done wrong. When religion is done right, dogma should exist.


However, I think science should be open to metaphysics. I think great minds in science have always recognized that without this kind of open ideology, invention, ideas, creation, artistry, etc don’t exist. And science and art are such a beautiful pairing. I’m all for a pairing and rearranging of all types of ridged methodologies. Flexibility, discourse and creativity are what all things need.


The reason that most people give for eschewing metaphysics over science is that science is able to be proven through experimentation. With no way to prove metaphysical assertions it is thought to be a pointless endeavor. Do you think that proof is even possible in any discipline without an absolute objective source and that our ego-driven need for proof is itself a limiting dogma of our conscious experience?



Ryan- I think we are capable of much more than the hands we are dealt. Those cards come from a manufacturing plant that manufactures rules made of solid brick. People get stuck behind rules and guidelines because our minds are little organizers of perceptions. We put everything we perceive into these brick organized dividers to make life easier to perceive with this brain we are given. It’s the easy way. It’s the concept of Occam’s Razor. It’s being satisfied with the easy answer that “works” for our mind that someone has already laid out into the collective consciousness. Reality? Who knows? But it sure is fun to come up with new ways to understand what’s out there.


Thank you, sir. Have a shpadoinkle day!



Interview- Brian

Interview with Brian Kling October 2012


What sort of jokes do you find personally offensive and not ever acceptable and for what reason?


Brian- I find nothing personally offensive, be it jokes or ad hominem attacks. There are certain types of jokes I do not usually enjoy. Blue jokes for example, but with everything there are exceptions. I did find Danny Tanner funny when I saw him live. But I’ve never been able to sit through a single episode of Two and a Half Men, because it seems like one extended dick joke (see what I did there?).


What do you think the nature of humor is? What makes things funny in general?


Brian- Tricky question. It seems counterintuitive, but funny is pain. When people are faced with experiences that are painful, we laugh at them. Doesn’t make sense, but it’s true. At the root of all of our jokes is suffering. Slapsitck is the best example, but it’s deeper than that. Comics are depressed, lonely people. Think of the humorous stories you tell about your life, I’ll bet the majority of them come from events that were not very fun at the time. Humor is usually in the delivery (people who know me in person know this well). I can tell the exact same story about some of my “adventures” and I can make the listener cry in agony or cry in laughter. Same story, same result (crying), different method. Pain is funny and sad at the same time.


I like the Incongruity Theory of Humor which states that humor is a product of dissonant information. When something is clearly wrong in some way, humor is like a pressure release valve to prevent us from going into fight or flight or utter confusion. Pain is certainly something that causes incongruities. You are supposed to stay safe and failing to do so becomes funny thusly. Some people also experience pain as pleasure without any humor involved. Although pain evolved as a warning mechanism in the biological machine, it seems to have spawned some pretty interesting auxiliary uses. Can you think of another way in which pain is used or accepted in seemingly incongruous ways or that it could be used in the future with positive results?


Brian- No.


Thank you, sir. Have a shpadoinkle night!


Interview- Candace

Interview with Candace Kelley October 2012


Why do you think human beings are so quick to solve their problems through punishment or revenge rather than by other more humane and effective methods?


Candace- Most of us grow up being punished for bad behavior by our parents or other adults. Siblings and peers seek revenge against us for slights, real or imagined, throughout our lives. This teaches us from a very early age that if someone makes a mistake, they deserve punishment. If someone hurts you, revenge is your right.


Do you think that this is absolutely a learned behavior or that it may have some instinctual element to it? If the former is part of the equation is it possible that we could ever rid ourselves of acting on those impulses as individuals and as a society and how?



Candace- I do think that there is an instinctual element to it. We are animals after all. If you look at a pack of dogs long enough, you will see a few things. At first, the dogs will fight to determine a leader. One dog bites another. The dog who has been bitten will make an instinctual move to either bite back, or to submit to the stronger dog. This happens in an instant, without a ‘Gee, Spike, I’ll have to get back to you later when I’ve had a chance to think things through as far as my status in this pack goes…’. Eventually, the pecking order is established, and will remain until the top dog is obsolete. Now if you take the same dogs and neuter them prior to putting them into the pack, you will see an entirely different scene play out. I do not think that we want to neuter mankind, even if it does improve society as a whole by obtaining a more peaceful existence.


So, in essence, we are better off accepting some of our species shortcomings because it makes life what it is? I can agree with that. If change comes it will be through evolving our consciousness and not through force. In the meantime, what sort of alternatives do you think that we could be applying to social problems to ease the trauma of these human issues while breaking the cycle of punishment and advancing us towards a more humane future?


Candace- Yes. I think if we are looking to break the cycle of say… stealing, we must look to why the thief is doing what he does, instead of simply tossing the thief into a cage as punishment and robbing his wallet in exchange for release. For instance, if the thief is stealing food, perhaps he is hungry? Stealing money to pay bills? Buy drugs? Once the reason behind the act is determined we can focus our efforts, as an enlightened society, toward solving the problems which motivate this societal deviant. This is the only way to break the cycle. I believe that there will always be certain people who cause mayhem because something inside of them is broken, and because of these people we will still need cages in some form, perhaps a distant island where they can be sent, as some people just can’t be ‘fixed’. It is this reality which brought about prisons in their earliest forms, and which has led us to the current state of justice perversion under which we live in modern times.


Thank you, ma’am. Have a shpadoinkle day!



Interview- Sara

Interview with Sara North October 2012


What is your most embarrassing moment on the internet?


Sara- I farted when no one was listening… LOL. No, but seriously, probably naked pictures I would really rather no one saw. I prefer airbrushing first, LOL!


Would you be more comfortable with 1,000 strangers seeing you naked online or ten strangers seeing you naked in real life given that you would never see or meet any of these people after the incidence of nudity?


Sara- Probably the 1000… just because if there is more of them its modeling, higher class stigma. If its 10 of them in person its more like the stigma with that is cheap or slutty… on the other hand, some of the bondage clubs around here have smaller events and those count as demonstrations so…. guess it depends on WHY I was naked then…


Would you like to live in a world in which nudity in public was commonplace? Why or why not?

How do you think that would change social structures and attitudes if it did happen?


Sara- Hells yes. This uptight Protestant view of morality and sex is sickening… uneducated children having babies because of parents to afraid to use the “S” word. Or how about not being able to use the word “penis” or “vagina” at the office because it might offend the over 50 religious types… who the hell decided the body was “dirty”? I dont see any reason we need to walk about naked, its cold. But you know, if men can walk around without shirts, why cant women wear bikini tops without the cops hassling them for “indecent? Whats with blaming women’s slutty clothes with why a man rapped her? What, did my CLOTHES make you do it?! Held a gun to your head and MADE YOU? Just doesnt make sense… if we didnt make everything “taboo” no one would give as much as 2 craps for it…


Sara- And you know, I dont cover my chairs or table legs either… damn Victorian ideals.


Thank you, ma’am. Have a shpadoinkle day!


Interview- Talos

Interview with Talos D’Loristo October 2012


What purpose do you suppose dreams serve, if any, to our higher levels of consciousness?


Talos- I can’t answer for anyone, hardly even myself, being i can’t retain enough data on the subject. We know all about the wake-up part, where the dream distorts and the light of reason shines through to remind us that all we just been through was a false reality. What i don’t know is wether or not the same thing happens once we start dreaming again. There also seems to be different levels of dream. The difference between reading and conversing on subjects vs. the classic “lol, nakid during test” joke.. Jumping/flying, strange lead roles of people who seem like they’re not a part of your dream, but merely guides… *shrugs* If i had more of Jung’s material, i may have had a better answer. Also, if we had a way to actually record dream experiences first hand like they did in that episode of Max Headrom, and others, it’d be easier to make deductions.


To your question, perhaps it is those higher level dreams, the ones of depth and detail, maybe our higher consciousness is in its natural state, unburdened by our ego programming? The seeming apparent messages are the stepping bits to our evolving states?


Crowley was big on the concept of the Holy Guardian Angel being the evolved, higher soul of an individual, which guided man to his own mastery, perhaps dreams are exactly that to those who know how to see/hear, as the old saying goes.


Talos- Those who can see, will see rightly. ~ Rosicross and other invisible college texts.


As such, do you feel that dreams are something that we should try to control through methods like lucid dreaming or something we should experience in a raw unfettered state?


Talos- I’ve never been able to go to bed with the pure intention of lucidity. It just sort of happens, and those tymes that it does happen, something in the dream eventually glitches or pulls me back in. Having nothing more than random lucidity it seems to act as place marks that help me to remember more than usual. Triggers are random and i can’t explain what the experience would be like full lucid.


In those states the mind feels tired, the weight of thinking is mired by unusual. Sometymes this forces me awake. I actually dreamt of a wake-up person once. She asked me some question while sipping on coffee. I had an overwhelming familiarity with her, yet had no idea who she was. I mumbled out an answer uncomfortably, and she responded with “that’s ok, you can’t sleep forever.” I suddenly had to know who she was, but as soon as i attempted to look at her, i woke up.


The only two othertymes i can currently recall involved nightmares. One i was being chased by some monstrosity or another, the details lost to me now, but as i ran, i suddenly recognized the dreamscape as a particular Cemetery i was always trying to get to the top of. It was situated on a hill, surrounded by houses, but the oldness of the place always drew me in, and it was if there was a certain stone formation i was always looking for specifically and i’d know it when i finally found it. Actually, this area itself is kind of a source of its own lucidity, as the territory around it expands in my memory, the trigger to find and explore this area semi-freely expands as well. (realizing this itself may come off as dreamspeak, but i got no other words for it.) I say semi-freely because my dreaming self seems to be more easily distracted than my wakeside, and i either fall for some bait, or the scene just changes over. Sometymes i wonder that what ever this area is, i’m not supposed to find what ever it is, and there are programs put forth to keep me from it.


The other nightmare i actually managed to partition off, but it continued following me around as some kind of stick-puppet with theater type doorway. I hated that part of the dream and wanted nothing to do with it, so somehow sidestepped from the nightmare to the outside of it and thought i was done. I had a moment where i was looking around, trying to get bearing on where ever i was, and then distractions arose and i started into dream again, from the dream, the nightmare would creep it’s icon in, and then the nightmare would try to envelope the area i was in. As long as i could look it in it’s strangely painted eyes, it would stay put, but always just behind me. Again, this situation made me feel more tired than usual when i woke for daywalkies.


My question here would be, what purpose, if any do nightmares serve? Have i cheated myself out of some nocturnal lesson for finding outs in these situations? Or was the experiences of manipulating around it the better lesson?


I can definitely see a greater import to daytyme lucidity. Many people knee-jerk to such things as emotions, internet arguments, and other social type programs. It’s difficult for people to deal with day-to-day relations without automatically responding with conditioning. “SHE CHEATED ON MES, I IS MADZ! GRRRR!” can be sidestepped like the other nightmare to be “Well humans are addicted to pleasure, and are just animals in clothing, and i’m sure what ever the situation that brought these results were reasonable enough to be followed at the tyme so i guess, yeah…” Though the meta would be to question why they didn’t consciously interrupt their own lust programs in tyme to avoid bringing emotionally programmed hurt to the party of the first part. And like the first nightmare, if we can expand the territory before an emotional response, we can try to consciously navigate to…um… the sacred treasure or something (*wavey hands go “oooooooooo” dramatically*)


So in answer: Yes, Lucidity is important at every waking moment… once we master that, it’s highly likely it will be much easier during sleep.


Talos- Also, the “raw-unfettered state” of waking reality isn’t working out too well.


As you mentioned before, our sleeping lives are ego-free affairs. Wouldn’t increased lucidity in dreams thus insert more ego and perhaps spoil some higher function of our consciousness where egos are unwelcome and perhaps harmful to existential purposes we do not understand?


Talos- That would maybe explain why moments of lucidity fade quickly in dreams. It’s that whole “Not allowed” feeling i mentioned earlier. Again though, being most of us sleepwalk naturally even in wakefulness, it may be a totally different thing once we can master being awake. Otherwise, i can’t really speculate much more on the hypothetical. Lack of experience and all.


Thank you, sir. Have a shpadoinkle day!



Interview- Ryan

Interview with Ryan Ackerman 10/12/19



Where does it hurt the most?



Ryan- In my roots. It makes it so hard to pick up and travel.



Speaking of roots, modern transportation allows us to spread out from our families like never before in the past. What long term consequences, good and/or bad, do you think this holds for our society and ideas about family?



Ryan- I use video chat with my kids when I travel for work. I hate it. It makes me hate not being there face to face. Transportation is expensive. Gas is almost $5 a gallon where I live now. I want to plant more roots and start a farm. But I would love to travel with the family, and the pets. I need a teleporter. So that’s my take. Our modern transportation technology is too expensive and slow. Cheap teleportation or nothing for me.



Say that we had teleportation but the price was that you would age as much as it would take you to travel to that place by bicycle. Would this be a fair cost and how much would this affect your use of the technology?



Ryan- I already hate flying. It’s such a hassle. Aging as a price to travel? That’s an easy no. I just want to travel to exotic places with the family. Nothing is stopping me but money and convenience. And those are stopping me currently just fine.



Thank you, sir. Have a shpadoinkle night!


Interview- Trish

Interview with Trish Burgeson 10/19/12



What led you to the liberty movement and to learn about basic principles of Austrian economics and the non-aggression principle?



Trish- Well, i guess the underlining thing that got me into all of the above is 9/11. Although i didn’t see it for what it was really(or did and doubted myself) at first, over the years i heard things here and there i wanted to check out. Once i started into that, i later found Dr. Ron Paul, and furthered myself and my want to learn about the liberty movement and sound money and such. Since then, i think i have grown again, and realize now that even if the doctor won, nothing would really change, the whole system is fucked, and so now i am getting into voluntarism and anarchism. Also, getting involved with Paul People was what ultimately led me to wanting to eat organically, stop eating fast foods, and just be healthier in general.



Do you think that the distant human future will also work best according to these principles ar do you think that as we evolve and so does technology that new social/economic paradigms might eventually be favorable to ones based on the principles of individualism? What do you see long term and why?



Trish- Hmmm….well i can say right now, i dont think society should mean.more, or get more liberties granted as individuals. If it is growing in that direction i think that would be wrong way to go. I think as a society our goals and stuff will change and evolve, but as idividuals, we should all take pride in ourselves and be free to do as we please.

What do i see long term…

Umm…i see us bankrupting ourselves soon, so i think that will have a HUGE impact on our future. Any country or kingdom that has ever spread itself out this thin has collapsed. We also have been using up all the planets resources over greed, and i believe long term, unless we make huge changes, we are going to see our planet running out of fresh water and other critical things that no one really thinks enough about to care. We could have been running.our cars off hemp and other.oils this whole time…but instead we purchase gas from BP for over 5$ a fucking gallon!!!



Besides societal and physical evolution, what else do you think may lay ahead for humans as conscious beings?



Trish- I believe we are (as we are now, i believe the.ancient people were much more “in touch” than we are) soo far out of touch with the spiritual rhelm, and our spiritual conscious….if we can go in the right path i think it will be in the direction of having a more advanced spiritual development, and a greater connection to everything around us. I believe psychedelics help us connect with other dimensions and help us understand ourselves on a deeper level, and that’s one reason why the government keeps us away from those kinds of things. And when i say spiritual stuff, i am not referring to “god.”



Thank you, ma’am. Have a shpadoinkle night!



Interview- Ian

Interview with Ian Koehler 10/19/12



You have two fags in your mouth and you’re three of them, where did you set the butter?



Ian- On the fridge, but it fell off.



If you were a python what would you refuse to wrap yourself around?



Ian- Any given Cobra, or James Brown



Assume James Brown was actually a shape shifting alien that had a mission which he used music to achieve but was totally unrelated to music. What would that mission be likely to have been?



Ian- To promote the awareness of Haggas



Thank you, sir. Have a shpadoinkle night!


Interview- Kim

Interview with Kim Miller 10/19/12



What kind of music would Satan most likely listen to and why?



Kim- I’m thinking jam bands. He’s a big fan of 25 min. guitar solos. I’ve heard he’s been to every Widespread show, EVER.



If you caught one of your children experimenting with Phish, how would you react?



Kim- Splendidly. At least it’s not The Grateful Dead.



What would Satans least favorite national park be, and why?



Kim- Hmmm. Thats a thinker. Too bad you didnt ask his favorite, thats easy. I’m gonna say the everglades, cause we all know Satan hates humidity and old douchbags!



Thank you, ma’am. Have a shpadoinkle night.



Interview- Mellisa

Interview with Melissa Tague 10/19/12



What is the perfect number of humans on planet earth?



Melissa- 600 billion



We now have 7 billion and many starve to death or cannot get water or other life sustaining items. If we could solve those practical problems, do you think there would still be social problems related to that number?



Melissa- Yes. There will always be greed and hate. There will always be people trying to put others down or making it so that life sustaining items are not available for all. There will always be persons who just plain won’t share.



If there were none of those people would life be very interesting to you?



Melissa- because life is what you make it. Watch facebook at any given time and there is drama going on. If you take that away there is the fun of games and reuniting with friends. Same as life. I took out the “haters” long ago and now I see the beauty in life. I live where there is wonderful scenery no matter the season, I see much of the wildlife roaming free, and I get to witness people being kind to one another. Life is always interesting, it just depends on your point of view.



Until editing the interviews I did not realize I had gone one long on this one.


But don’t you think that without some darkness we would not recognize the beauty of the light? If we did not have evil would we not have good reasons and examples to make us strive to be better?



Melissa- No. When the Rapture comes God will rid the world of all evil. All of Heaven will come to be on earth.



Thank you, ma’am. Have a shpadoinkle day!



Interview- Catherine

Interview with Catherine ‘Badonkadonkbear’ Olson 10/19/12



Why do you think so many people are willing to support the politicians and policies behind warfare even though they stand morally opposed?



Catherine- Baa baa, black sheep, have you any wool?



Are you avoiding the question or did Mother Hubbard possess your eternal soul for some unpaid debt?



Catherine- I answered the question. Because people are complacent. Complacent people, regardless of belief system, tend to get herded. Baaaaa…. I think I am in the mood for lamb chops, love chop. Spare any mint jelly?



How pleased were you with the number of touchdowns you scored last season?



Catherine- Well, considering the amount of ball-handling involved, very, very pleased!



Thank you, ma’am. Have a shpadoinkle night!



Interviews- Joshua

Interview with Joshua Hansen 10/19/12

People always talk about bags of dicks but they never elaborate the details of this artifact. How many dicks, what kind of bag and what else does this conjure up when you hear it.


Joshua- I like to envision an eco-friendly bio-degradable duffle bag filled with 30 boners of different length, girth, and color. Like a multi-cultural kaleidoscope of dong. But the various penises are only really seperate and distinct within perception. They represent a unified dong ‘substance’, as everyone knows that there are essentially two substances, physical substance and the indivisible dong substance, which act upon each other to constitute the metaphysical “wholeness”.


Joshua- our dongs throb as one…


If one had a metaphysical hole to penetrate with their physical penis, what do you suppose the long term effects on their personality would be and how tight and wet are those holes?


Joshua- the nothingness of the metaphysical hole isn’t a sort of ‘something’ which we could discuss in a meaningful manner. it would equivocate to the negation of negation penetrating the absence. this is hard to clearly envision in the minds eye, but when one cognitively exerts themselves it is self-evident that that shit would be mad hella tight, yo…


Who do you think would have a tighter hole; a bigfoot or a unicorn? And is a bigfoot fucking a unicorn the same as the thought of a bigfoot fucking a unicorn epistemilogically and ontologically?


Joshua- Bigfoot’s are well known for the sloppiness of their major orifices. Epistemologically they are similar, as neither pertain to ‘knowledge of’, ‘knowledge how’, or ‘knowledge that’. Ontologically they are different, as one is potential and one is actual. Axiologically, they are dissimilar, as the first scenario is an abomination to natural law and the divine intellect, while the second is both morally permissible and the highest realization of erotic potentiality. Also, it’s hawt.


Thank you, sir. Have a shpadoinkle night!



Interviews- Faleisha

Interview with Faleisha Fleck 10/19/12
If there were a one-size-fits-all heaven, what do you think it would look like?



Faleisha- That’s tough. My first thought was it’s not possible because people have varied ideas of what is pleasant. I then starting going through what my idea of heaven is and what is generally pleasing to all. What I decided was a grassy field with fruit trees. Weather is always 68 degrees with mild humidity. And puffy clouds.



What is more evil- A man who says he will do bad things and does them or a man who says he will not do them and yet still does?



Faleisha- At their core both are evil. However, personally I feel that the man who says he won’t but does probably does more damage. The first guy, you expect evil. You know it will happen. The second guy you trust to keep his word and when he doesn’t, it’s painful. Not only has the second man done something bad but he has betrayed your trust.



Is there any real difference, then, between those who support either man?



Faleisha- Short and sweet? No, there is no difference assuming the people have the information given in question 2.



Thank you, ma’am. Have a shpadoinkle night.



At this point I decided that there was one more question necessary to round the discussion out so I asked on further question.


Would not seeking that information if it is available not itself result in and thus be just as evil?



Faleisha- Yes dear, we should always seek as much information as we can gather. Always in all things



Interview- Marcus

Interview with Marcus Dean Malone 10/19/12



If you were ask to make the most horrible tasting, yet perfectly edible sandwich, what would it be?



Marcus- first thing that came to mind is a peanut butter cap’n crunch, curry, and dill pickles on rye



Sounds awful. Who do you think deserves to have to eat this sandwich for artistic treachery and why?



Marcus- I was gonna go political, but fuck that. Robert Pattinson, I need no reason



Would you rather sleep with a perfect ten once or have a lifetime supply of your favorite candy?



Marcus- tough call, if I died tomorrow the lifetime supply would be moot… I’ll go with the sex, live for today I say



Thank you, sir. Have a shpadoinkle night!


Interview with Shawna

What is your earliest musical memory?

Shawna- listening to The Beatles – Abbey Road on my dad’s big giant stereo cabinet and obsessing over the album cover of Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band and all the famous people in the crowd. also was obsessed with the art work on The Rolling Stones – Some Girls album. first song that ever made me feel sad was The Beatles -Golden Slumbers, Carry That Weight, The End. to me they were all the same song.

If you had to have sex with one Beatle when they were 16, who would it be. (you are your current age)

Shawna- Pete Best because Ringo didn’t join them until he was 20? i think?

Shawna- i should feel wrong answering that hahhahaha!

What is the biggest problem with senior citizens these days?

Shawna- i have zero issues with them. i LOVE old people. i love hearing stories about their younger years.

Thank you, ma’am. Have a shpadoinkle night!

History In The Making – Resume Troll

resume blue


It is my goal in life to become a household name. I shall stop at nothing less than creating a legacy of my life that will go down in history alongside Socrates, Jesus Christ and Machiavelli. The future itself will seem in retrospect like an invention of mine. My immediate objective is to gain a foothold from which I might lift myself to higher heights and cast off into the wind of my glorious destiny. Wouldn’t you like to be in that historical footnote? The launch pad of the crucial crux of future civilization, this is what I offer you. Hiring me is a small price to pay.

Career Highlights

During 9/11 I was in NewYork doing a benefit for amputee orphans. I was in adjacent building when the towers fell and as the power went out I was stuck in an elevator with a woman who was on her way to give birth. I ended up delivering her child and using CPR to keep it alive until we were rescued, as the baby was born with a heart defect that I luckily recognized immedietaly. Today that child is a ten year old harpsicord prodigy who mastered the instrument after I gave her one lesson. I have invented several things and have recieved many patents. The one that I am most proud of is a device that adapts negative atmospheric energy into pure love and laughter. Also, a random time machine.


Planet Earth
December 1976 – Present (37 years 7 months) • United States of Awesomerica
Winning Full Time
I do not view any particular stages or circumstances to be seperate from the sum of my existence. Reality is a synergistic whole which I have engaged vigoriously at all times, so the lines between work and play, jobs and hobbies, etc. have been too blurred for me to accurately relate my acheivements within such a narrow framework. Everything I have tried, I have mastered, and everything I have mastered has never been debated.


Spaceship Earth, Universal Terran Laboratories
I have mastered the pedagoguery of ontology, aced the existential exams and discovered the very key to our existence. In light of that mere dogmatic credentials seem trivial and pithy. Why exchange time and money for a paperwork life crutch when you can deal directly with the answers to the cosmos?


The Awesomeness and Win Institute L.L.C.
December 1976
Awesome is the highest honor available. Lifetime achievement award for winning.

Professional Memberships/Awards

  • Society of Discord POEE


  • Pure Rock Fury
  • Humorgasms
  • Bringing The Pain Then Making Sure It Gets Home Safely Afterwards.


  • Inventiveness (Expert)
  • Megacharm (Expert)
  • Face Gardening (Expert)
  • Just Knowing What Is Right or Wrong (Expert)
  • Rhyme Management (Expert)

Ready Or Not, Here I Am


The future is full of technological threats we cannot even imagine. But how far away is that future and what are we doing to prepare ourselves for it? For most people the answer is, ‘Nothing.’ This is where I come in. I have trained extensively in the skills that will be necessary to eradicate rogue technologies. What does that make me? Your insurance policy against the inevitable, unless you wish to be squashed beneath the metal soles of souless machine monsters, you are gonna need a guy like me by your side eventually.

Career Highlights


Spunkys Arcade and Adult Entertainment Emporium
August 1997 – Present (16 years 11 months) • Nopupu, Iowa
I specialize in sanitation protocol, biohazardous waste management, traction inspection, UV light operator, security and special ops.


Beardgarten Institute of Singularity Defense Strategies
Advanced Mek Combat and Survival
Advanced studies in combat strategies, skills and crisis management. Over 5,000 hours of coursework. Training indefinite.


Professor Emeritus Online Courses: Butlerian Jihad, Asimov and Robotics, THX1138
Center For The Study of Science Fiction
February 2008
Oversee curriculum and coursework for three academic courses in speculative fiction which I also act as Professor Emeritus over online classes.
Iron Palms Training Method
American Martial Arts Certified Professionals
November 2001
Certified martial arts expert and instructor. Master in the deadly art of Iron Palms as well as a black belt nearly seven other martial arts.

Professional Memberships/Awards



  • Hand to hand combat effective also against non human and inorganic targets. (Expert)
  • Weaponry use, construction and management. (Expert)
  • Programming, counterprogramming and digital espionage. (Expert)
  • Survival: rural and urban. Including self sufficiency and resource management. (Expert)
  • Techsidermy. (Expert)

Professional Advanced Mimicry Solutions


I am a highly driven portrayal professional with over thirteen years experience enacting simulations and renditions of ordinary human activity, as well as advanced impersonations. I have an expansive knowledge and interest in parroting pretense and apery assumptions and desire advancement within the field of feigning.

Career Highlights

For my graduate thesis I did a piece entitled ‘Think Outside of the Box’ in which I mimicked being trapped inside of a sphere while free falling from thirty thousand feet.

My first professional feat of imitation came shortly thereafter when the UN Council on Indigenous Affairs needed to communicate with an uncontacted tribe of islanders whose island was about to go volcanic. Officials were unable to communicate verbally with the islanders and so called me in to use my advanced aping skills to communicate to the islanders the danger they faced. Thanks to my efforts about sixty eight percent of the islanders were convinced to try relocation to a similar nearby island where they were able to survive mother natures explosive fury.


Vice President of Depictions
Imitation Solutions Unlimited
Operations Manager
Direct Dramatizations Intl.
February 2006 – April 2009 (3 years 2 months) • 52240, Iowa City, Iowa
Lead Histrionics
Lewis Group Mockery Firm
August 1999 – January 2006 (6 years 5 months) • 52240, Iowa City, Iowa


Harverd School of Mimickey
Mimicry Solutions in Real World Problems, Mime Calculus, or, How to Define the Box You Are Trapped In Mathematically, Silent Impersonation Nuance
1995 – 2000


Bonafide Portrayal Professional and Enactment Expert
International Association of Charade Professionals
October 2003

Professional Memberships/Awards

  • Nobel Prize in Mimicry, candidate 2012


  • Silent conversations.
  • Playing charades.
  • The mirror.


  • Stillness (Expert)
  • Movement (Expert)
  • Silence (Expert)

Meta Resume


*Leading expert in recursive systems and self referencing technologies with experience in and of itself.

*Expansive background in circular reasoning, feedback transference and auto-looping.
*Seeking a new challenge in which to use my unique set of meta skills in a singularly diverse environment.

Career Highlights

Using logical feedback loops and meta-referent paradoxes I was able to destroy an alternate universe that had become a danger to this universe, where I escaped just before collapsing that reality by causing it to swallow its ontological tale.


Chief Recursion Engineer
Existential Amusement Park
December 2012 – January 2014 (1 years 1 months)
*Reality #57G700V24.a23
It while was working at this DeCartean amusement park that I learned of a plan to open an attraction which would send a roller coaster ripping through the fabric of the universe I am currently in, eventually destroying it. So I fixed it.
Sauce Solipsism
McBurger Boy
May 2007 – December 2012 (5 years 7 months)
*Des Moines, Nebraska
Chief Executive Sitting Bull
Divide By Zero Concepts
October 1987 – April 2007 (19 years 6 months) • Seriously, Uneverbeenthere


Auto-Pedagogue University
Graduated with a degree in Graduating With A Degree, Heisenberg Poets Society, Attendance record for attending more classes than were held in eight consecutive trimesters.
1976 – 2013


Certification Certifier
Circuitous Reassurances Unlimited
May 1992

Professional Memberships/Awards

  • Fraternal Order of Joshua Scott Hotchkin
  • Meta Workers Union local 1001
  • Most Recursive Sauce, 2011
  • Academy Award for Greatest Self Reference in a screenplay.


  • Other peoples interests.
  • Questioning why things are interesting.
  • Pursuing other interests.
  • Being interesting.
  • Sharing my interests with people who are not really interested in them.


  • Manipulating complex data sets with information contained within the data sets themselves.(Expert)
  • Efficient in creation of paradoxes sufficient to collapse the gravitational functions of a universe(Intermediate)
  • Picture in picture in picture in picture in picture, ad infinitum. (Expert)


  • English (Fluent)
  • Other (Fluent)


Joshua Scott Hotchkin
Meta-Resume-ist. , Meta-Resumes Outernational

The Time Machine


One thing I bet you didn’t know about me was that I have a time machine in my basement. I know what your thinking, but it doesn’t work; if it ever even did. Come along, i’ll show you.

There it is. See how it looks like some kind of jack-in-the-box decorated in electronics. I think thats because of the crank. Dad said that that was what he used to raise enough electro-static energy to create a mobile field. Whatever that means. That? Oh, I don’t know what that does. I betcha i’ve pushed every button on it a thousand times in millions of combinations, and never even caused anything to so much as light up. If there are even lights on it. I mean, i’m not really sure.

My dad didn’t exactly design this thing, but he did build it. He told me that one night he was visited from a stranger. He said that it was obvious, even before the stranger mentioned it, that she was from another time. Far ahead of ours, he told me. Something like five hundred years, but I can’t remember exactly anymore. Anyhow, she told him to build this time machine and when he finished it she would know and provide further instructions to him. Something about saving the world in the future, but I don’t think that even Dad was to sure what he would have to do after he built this contraption.

Nonetheless, he took this project very seriously. He mustve gotten started when I was seven or eight years old. Back then he would just work on it during his free time on the weekends, or when he was annoyed by my mother or us children. For the longest time it was only a bunch of very small electronic componets scattered about. I don’t guess Dad knew the first thing about building a toaster, let alone a time machine. Most of his time he spent pouring through instructional manuals, honing his knowledge and applying it to the plans the strange woman had given him.

About the time that all of us children moved out of the house, Dad had his midlife crisis. Beofre then he never believed he was building a time machine to save the world, he was just building a very complex toy that only he understood, or so he thought. Well, after that he got pretty hung up on what he called his ‘mission’. The hobby became an obsession. He spent all of his free time, even week nights, working on this damned thing. The more time went on the more passionate he became. Soon he was investing all of his money in it as well, and thats when Mom left him. Oh, that mightve broken most men up, but it only steeled his resolve.

Not long after he retired and began working on this damn time machine almost all waking hours. When he slept, he constantly dreamed of the strange woman. She was begging him to finish, begging! This caused a frenzy of activity, and insanity. He was no longer taking care of himself or his home or anything. Just pouring every ounce of his body and soul into that damn machine. When you could get a word in with him, its all he would talk about.

One day we got a call from Dad. he invited all of his children and their families out to dinner to make a ‘big announcement’. He told us that work on the time machine was complete. Furthermore, he planned to ‘take a journey’ in it the next day. A test run. We begged him not to do it. Nobody including himself knew what he was going to turn on, when he flicked that switch. In desperation I asked him about the woman, what about the woman? Has she come back? No, he said, no. Well then, how do you know it works, didnt she say shed come when it was ready and let you know what to do? You damn fool, how will she know it works if I dont turn it on, he asked condescendingly. There was a certain impeccability about the logic, but none of us wanted him to do it. But you cant stop the old man when he makes up his mind, as im sure you can tell by this tale already.

So anyhow, we don’t hear from him by the next night so I start to get pretty worried. he wouldn’t answer a phone so me and my brother Ed drove over to his house. When we got there there was no sign of him, until we opened this damn thing up. There he was just sitting and smiling, smiling and staring. Completely fixated on nothing. When we tried speaking to him, yelling at, shaking and dancing around in front of him, there was no response. He just sat there happy as a retard at a birthday cake eating contest.Well, I took him home and when nothing had changed the next day we took him to a doctor. The doctor said that there was absolutely nothing wrong with him. Several more doctors said the same. After a few months we decided to put him into professional care. Its not like he was benefitting from our presence. Hell, he just sat there smiling all damn live long day. And he still is, just sitting there in his room looking wherever the nurses point him, smiling.

So yup, this is it. This is my old mans time machine. Aint much to look at, but its the lifes work of a man. I gotta give him credit, through a dozen or so jobs and three marriages I aint stuck by nothing. Not a thing to show for all of these hard lived years. But my old man, he had this stupid box; and if nothing else, he’ll die smiling.

Dear Ladies: Things Women Should Know About Men


I’m a smart guy. Like really smart. So smart that I understood Donnie Darko the first time that I saw it. Although I did learn many things about The Smurfs I had never considered. Yet as smart as I could ever be I will never completely understand women because I am not also entirely insane. This is not to say that women are crazy. However, trying to understand them with a male perspective certainly is. So being the ultra super duper smart dude that I am I decided to try to understand myself and thus all of mandom. I also spent a lot of years single, not because I am too smart to date, but because I really needed the time to do this research uninterrupted. But now that I am in a happy relationship with a creative, funny, beautiful, intelligent woman who still hasn’t figured out how to pick the locks, I have decided to release my findings so that all of the other women can benefit from the knowledge.

The following list is comprised of the things that you ladies do that drive us fellas bonkers, no matter how innocent or innocuous they may seem. They are things that will inexplicably and irrationally crawl right up on a nerve and twerk it with spiked panties. However this list is based on an assumption that men are predominately introverted while women display mostly extroverted behavior. Since I am really smart you won’t have to point out that this is an obviously false assertion. The opposite can also be true and people can display either characteristic at different times. In this way the following can also be instructive for dealing with general differences between intro/extroverts. The only reason that I used this horrible stereotype is that in the comfort of our homes and private relationships, it is almost always entirely true. So speaking as a man, a home introvert and a really smart genius person, I recommend that you consider the following so at the very least you can critique it in the comments with your inferior mind receptacles.


Here is the thing, ladies. You ask too many questions. And even worse, the questions are usually unnecessary or manipulative. I do not think you are doing this to intentionally drive us insane, but our tastes in communication styles varies wildly. And you totally drive us insane. Here are a few different types of questions that we really wish you would never ask, but would totally accept a few if you could just try to cut back.

The Disguised Command

This question is used when you would like us to fulfill some household role or task. It is your attempt to politely remind us that we promised to clean up our mess in the basement from the failed home brewing phase that came to a head the first time diarrhea became a medical emergency in our lives. Or something like that. The question goes like this:

“Are you going to clean up that mess in the basement this weekend or are you converting it into a factory farm for sulfuric mold?”

First of all, you are not actually curious about our weekend plans with this question, you are trying to make them for us. There is really nothing wrong about reminding us of our obligations, but it is disingenuous to phrase it as a question rather than a statement.

Secondly, with that attitude and tone of voice I don’t think you would be very supportive if indeed the mass production of stank ass growth were my master plan all along, now would you?

Fishing Questions
When I say fishing questions I do not mean things like, “Can I borrow your rod?” (Only up to the second eyelet.) I mean questions in which you are fishing for specific answers. The entire ‘does this make me look fat?’ cliché is an obvious example. Yet there are other less obvious examples of this which we guys get all of the time. The problem with this kind of question is that you are seeking a specific answer so it is not really a question at all. You are manipulating us into validating you. Maybe you have some self esteem issues or just like to be told what you want to hear for fun. It doesn’t really matter. Instinctually we realize we are being used and nobody likes that feeling. Like almost everything else in this article, most guys don’t even know why they dislike it, they just do. Sort of like herbal tea.

Another kind of fishing question is the confirmation question. These would be questions that end in a phrase like, ‘Don’t you think so?’ You are not really curious about our opinion, you just have some inexplicable need to have other peoples opinions in sync with yours and so you try to manufacture this agreement with sneaky questions. Again, you are using questions to manipulate other people into validating you, and that never makes for a great long term relationship strategy. Sort of like secretly taking Viagra for the first few weeks of intercourse.

The Unnecessary Question
Years ago I used to work in head shops. Although you wouldn’t expect it, stoners ask a lot of stupid questions. No, really. The dumbest of them were generally questions in which the answers were self evident. The most recurrent of these was to ask the price of an item that was clearly marked. After awhile I brought some plastic spoons and would answer these types of questions by writing the answer on the spoon and handing it to the hazey eyed offender. When I got that ‘cat being told its horoscope’ look I would explain that I was only willing to spoon feed obvious answers in the most literal sense. Lucky for me, stoners are also pretty easy going and can take a joke, but you ladies aren’t always necessarily in the mood for that kind of sardonic cleverness.

Women often prefer to deal with problems by talking them out first while men generally work by jumping right into action. So when you ask us where something is we expect it is because you have already looked in the most obvious places. As I have found, this is not always the case. Or if you ask us if we need to get more cat food we wonder why you don’t just look for yourself as we would. No conversation needed. The unnecessary question takes many forms but is essentially a question that attempts to replace a task. If Google ever becomes a self aware, sentient being, men will know exactly how it feels.

So before you ask a man a question ask yourself if it is necessary, has an agenda or could be made into a statement rather than a question. Our ickiness about questions may seem irrational and unreasonable to you but it exists nonetheless and accounting for it could prevent that special fella from spouting off the mean-spirited, sarcastic answers he generally reserves for his guy friends.

Sudden Invasion

Like a lot of dudes, I find myself living in my head a lot. Sometimes I am using all of my smartiness to solve the essential problems of our existence while other times I am trying to figure out how to spell out the sound that farts make. (fyi- It is ‘skritch’ or ‘prap’ depending on the moisture content and force) Either way, when I am off in these fantastical worlds, it is not easy to get back. Nor do I necessarily want to leave them. Particularly if I am just about to solve world hunger or the spelling of the third, quiet fart. Just as I am about to get all of the p’s, t’s, f’s and h’s in place my special lady walks in and abruptly tells me that she thinks she might have Stockholm Syndrome. Suddenly I am trapped in between worlds and the perfect word for low volume pants combustion just dissipates into eternity. She stands there waiting for a response but I am not fully in her world again and I either did not hear or cannot comprehend what was just spoken to me. After she repeats herself I am even more frustrated that she interrupted my meditation to tell me something that I already know and will probably one day appear in court records. After an obfuscating response she goes back to whatever she was doing and I begin the long journey back into the recesses of my mind where every child can have enough food and every bodily function has a proper onomatopoeia.

Fortunately, there is a very easy solution for this. Never expect that a guy is ready to converse at the drop of a hat. It is possible that he has some mental calculations to finish performing or other internal work that disdains disruption. Rather than barging in the room with your flapper a’flappin’, calmly speak his name and when he makes eye contact with you, tell him you would like to talk to him when he has a chance. While it is still possible that he might find that conversation less time-worthy than his own abstractions he will at least not feel interrupted and thusly annoyed. And when you tell him that he is an idiot after he explains why a wet fart is a shorter word than a dry one, it will sting all that much less.


No new information here. Studies have shown that women experience more difficulty when challenged with an immediate decision of any weight of consequence. And I should know because I exhaustively performed this research myself under the most stringent experimental conditions. If you don’t believe me, believe my science. My science aside, there also exist social, historical and evolutionary reasons why this occurs and how it develops. Fortunately for women this prevents you from spending most of your twenties and parts of the rest of your lives with a strong capacity and confidence to make really bad decisions at the drop of a hat. Rare is the man who can do that. When you do make decisions you generally make better ones, so would you please exercise that?

You do not need to make all of our mutual decisions for us on your own. Or even half. But you should be capable of covering a pretty good spread of our shared interests and most of your own without our input. We trust you. If we didn’t we would never have allowed you into our bizarre little private lives where we wear our foibles like butterfly tattoos on the small of the back. From our end it would be much easier to just trust you with everything while we get drunk and attempt to play football with our friends in a spectacle later described as, ‘a homoerotic ballet of tragic proportions’. There is no doubt that our faith in you will not crumble should you choose the orange jello with the fruit cocktail over the green with marshmallows to take to your aunt Edna’s funeral potluck. Just use your intuition.

Just Listening

“I just want you to listen to me. I don’t want you to try to examine it or fix it. I don’t need you to get emotional on my behalf or respond in any way. Just listen.”

When I need to pound in a nail I use a hammer. If I need to tighten or loosen a screw I use a screw driver. Any time I need a tool I pick the specific tool which has, inherent in its creation, the ability to perform the task I require of it. Should you require a tool capable of listening with a sympathetic ear without any response whatsoever, and you pick a man, you really need to get to know your toolbox a little bit better. Men have adapted the trait of an irrational need to solve problems while women just want to express and understand them incessantly. Since we already have this information it would be wise to apply it. We do not like to disappoint you any more than you like to be disappointed by us. Call on us when you need assistance and on each other when you need an aural negativity absorption device. We are no more capable of fulfilling your need without experiencing severe anxiety about the restrictions than my fiance is of finding sharp objects or prying devices in our loving home.

Blah Blah Blah

I didn’t want to have to science again so soon, but I once read a magazine and I am pretty sure it said that women generally talk more than men. It also suggested that the content of speech of men and women varied quite a bit. While the hens were up in the house flappin’ their beaks about other hens, their chicks or the cocks, the cocks warbled their garblers about mostly abstract or technical content. The function of conversation is to share interesting data, and that requires that both parties are interested in the data. There is no judgment being made when we acknowledge that the genders tend to diverge towards different data sets extracted from common human experiences.

I am very fortunate that the hen trapped in my house likes to discuss philosophy, religion, politics, science and a great diversity of topics I find intriguing. We have a lot of common ground for discussion without having to develop an artificial pecking order. Nonetheless, we both also like to discuss topics which bore the other. It is sort of your job to listen to your significant other and let them vent even if you could absolutely care less what that fuckbucket at their job did today. But either side can only take so much. And you talk more. So instead of driving your man out of the house with small talk and gossip, let him sit in a socially underdeveloped, stunted lump of ape in your nest and ponder if there is only one sound for a stream of urine or a number of variations. Or maybe save the world with a complicated plan that includes toplessness and a barbecue grill, while you go to a pottery workshop with the gals and talk coop.

Quiet Time

We are ironically told that silence is golden and serenaded with songs that portray the connection of lovers to be beyond the need for words. The problem is that lovers are individuals with their own needs. While I have a need to internalize, my captive soulmate has a need to socialize. These needs cannot be met simultaneously and she gets really prude after I put her in time out for popping my little fantasy bubbles. Since I don’t want to have to induce ejaculation alone and she isn’t allowed to have any friends because of our romantic arrangement, we have to give and take a little. For my needs to be met she does not need to take any active role at all, but to meet hers I must forego mine and assist her.

To make this as painless as possible for both of us we have discussed our needs and I have shared with her all of the information in this article. A fact of love is that you will drive one another nuts some of the time. But if you know what it is that drives one another nuts you can address the most problematic parts of your co-existence and leave only minor annoyances entangled in all of that trust, respect and love.

I made a lot of mistakes in relationships in the past. But I have learned from them and have been lucky to find the one woman who I plan to spend the rest of my life loving, cherishing and annoying and being annoyed by on occasion. The grunt work of a relationship means discussing your petty tendencies and mutually addressing them. Nothing could be more rewarding, but it is also very hard work. Not as hard as kidnapping and trying to brainwash a pizza delivery girl to be your eternal soulmate, but I am up to both tasks, because if you remember- I am very smart.